Jon Bratton's

Farewell Co-Worker Poem

but, first...

I've been writing verses
For 60 years...phew!
And d'yer know why I did it?
T'was especially for you

Jon Bratton

Farewell Co-Worker Poem
This is just a little ditty
A Ma-Salama poem
To say goodbye to our dear friends
As they make their way back home

Yes folks, here we go again
It’s goodbye ditty time
We usually do this kind of thing
With insults all in rhyme

But these two people are too nice
For anything like that
So I’m striking out this next line
Dick Salisbury’s getting fat

Well, come on, let’s face it
He’s not exactly underweight
He’s just maximising growth potential
It’s his job to propagate

Well, I must say he’s good at it
The evidence clearly shows
He must be eating bone meal
He just grows...and grows...and grows

He’s like one of his tomatoes
Fed on growing stuff
Dick, it’s time to ease off a bit
You’ve grown quite big enough

Now look, we’ve discussed this
You’re just being rude
I’m just trying to make the point
That Dick is fond of food

So what if Dick’s a little...
Podgey?...fuller figured
Who wants him slim and slick?
Exactly, let’s ask the ladies
Who likes a big fat dick? 

That’s just enough of your insults
That’s not why we’re here
We’re doing a sort of “This if your Life”
Let’s start with Dick’s career

Dick considered off-shore banking
But he’s no money vulture
So having nothing else to do
He turned to horticulture

So straight away, Dick found a whore
A Swedish girl, on the game
She was the perfect specimen
And Wanda was her name

Farewell Co-Worker Poem

He took her to the Opera
And, to museums and things
But none of this appealed to her
She just liked diamond rings

She didn’t care for Shakespeare
She just wanted a coat of mink
Yes Dick soon discovered ....
You can lead a horticulture
But you cannot make her think

Wanda was good for sowing....wild oats
But Dick began to shop
Now that he was into sowing
He sought a maximum crop

Now look I’ve warned you
You’re just being crude
Well lets fact it ... Dick’s appetite for sex
Is like his appetite for food

more of the farewell co-worker poem

Farewell Co-Worker Poem

Anyway, he decided to join a choir
He’d heard singers could be fun
And besides if he could get a singer
He’d get more sewing done

His friends had in mind the perfect girl
Who taught in the local class
Her name of course was Maralyn
Our bonny scottish lass

Wanda would do anything for Dick
Excuse me Wanda would do anything, for Dick
But Dick’s friends had a thought
They tried to make him interested
In a refined, more cultured, sort

Would Dick go for a teacher?
His friends just couldn’t tell
Yes said Dick I like teachers
And Johnny Walker as well

In fact I like any kind of whisky
A misunderstanding, we think
Well, it’s not just food and sex, Dick likes
He’s also fond of drink

Dick and Maralyn’s relationship
At this stage was platonic
Yes, to Dick it was just play
To Maralyn, a tonic

She sought re-assurance
After each and every bout
Her mother had said she must be good
And of that, Dick had no doubt

Farewell Co-Worker Poem

Dick could certainly see the benefit
Of marrying this catholic lass
She was a regular in the choir
And she never missed a mass

Not the least of these attractions
Was her very name
You see her initials then were MS
After marriage, they’d be the same

Dick worked on simple logic
And it was undoubtedly true
She wouldn’t need new handkerchiefs
That would save a bob or two

To most of us that logic
Would be kinda funny
But Dick didn’t just crave food sex and drink
He was also into money

Anyway, while Dick was working out his sums
Maralyn announced she’d go
On a teaching job to Kenya
with the VSO

She was well prepared for what she faced
Countless, unknown ravages
Well, she’d grown up in Scotland
Surrounded by savages

Farewell Co-Worker Poem

Hey, steady on, mate
You may be absolutely right
But there’s quite a few scotsmen here
Let’s not start a fight

See you Jimmy, see you
Am prepared to let that pass
But any more and aall rip yer heed off, so ah will
And stick it up yer ass

You see, that’s just typical
Hadrian’s wall made a lot of sense
Aye, to keep you bloody sasanacs oot
He should have built an electric fence

Ah ah ah they didn’t have electricity then etc.., 

Please, please fella’s simmer down
We don’t want this kind of strife
Why not? the Salisbury’s have to face this
Everyday of their married life

Sir, he wasn’t insulting scotsmen
Maralyn’s maiden name was Savage
Well, his outburst serves to illustrate
The problems of mixed marriage

Anyway, off Maralyn went to Kenya
To teach them ABC’s
Leaving poor Dick in this tomato patch
With muck up to his knees

Farewell Co-Worker Poem

As Maralyn had gone away
And taken poor Dick’s heart
Dick, too developed wander lust
Yeah a lust for Wanda - his little swedish tart

No, I mean he wanted to see the world 
To open a new door
Yeah, Wanda’s door, it was her foreign parts
He wanted to explore

One day, as planes passed overhead
Dick was tilling in the rain
He decided the next one out of there
Would be a Salisbury plane

Having come to a decision
This is what he planned
He’d tell all his workmates
In terms, they’d understand

Farewell Co-Worker Poem

I’ll tell it like it is
It’s like this, he said, and here we quote
From acorns, oak trees grow
Now I can see the wood for trees
It’s time for me to go

I spend all day with tomatoes
And every night with a swede
I think I’m beginning to vegetate
I think I’m going to seed

I really cannot stay-men
Of that there is no doubt
I need to pull my roots up
It’s time that I branched out

I’m in the flower of my youth
I’m ripe and in full petal
I must make hay while the sun shines
It’s time I grasped the nettle

It’s time to leave this vegetable patch
It’s fallow ground to me
I need to find some growing space
I’m pot bound don’t you see

Farewell Co-Worker Poem

I’m becoming a little jaded
Off the boil, going sour
It’s just not true that jaded brains
Make finer flower

Now I’m no shrinking violet
But I’ve had my seeds of doubt
But now I’m very glad to say 
They’ve all been weeded out

It’s time for me to pith off 
And theek pathstures new
And now I take my leaf of you

Farewell Co-Worker-Poem

Young Richard packs up his truck and leaves
his room
His destination the middle east 
To make the desert bloom

He followed the path of his namesake
Richard the Lionheart
And set off for the holy land
With a kiss from his swedish tart

With Dick and Maralyn now worlds apart
They didn’t meet for a while
But then they got together
On their Guernsey Isle

That’s when they finally tied the knot
It had to happen, sooner or later
And besides Wanda had ran off
With the museum curator 

Farewell Co-Worker Poem

And so they came to Jeddah
in 1979
Since then they’ve churned out babies
Fuelled by Sid and wine

Nine years they’ve been in Saudi
No wonder Dicks a wreck
I’ve heard he’s got an enormous one
An enormous Gosi cheque

Chris Beamish tells a story
That’s pertinent tonight
About an Airport layover
While on a returning flight

The Airport was really grotty
You can probably guess where
Yeah knowing tight fist Beamish
He’d be flying Egypt Air

That’s right he was in Cairo Airport
As you all know, that’s no joke
But there among the squalor
He spied a cloud of smoke

Farewell Co-Worker Poem

Having nothing else at all to do
And with 6 hours to wait
He headed for the cloud of smoke
To investigate

Now this cloud of smoke was sitting
Slouched against the bar
And so to be sociable
He said “Are you going far?”

“All the way”, the smoke replied
The ordered another drink
What’s your name he asked the smoke
It answered Dick, I think

They both smoked like chimneys
They occasionally had a pee
And they got to know each other
Over a drink or three

They got totally plastered
They had a laugh and cracked a joke
They were as happy as pigs in Saudi
Cucooned in their smoke

Farewell Co-Worker-Poem

It was while discussing money
And toasting Saudi oil
A thought came into Chris’s head
Would Dick be good for soil

Chris didn’t really know Dick then
In that terminal lounge
But he knew that Dick in landscaping
Would be handy for a scrounge

Dick’s always facing scroungers
From near and from far
Even a perfect stranger
In a foreign bar

Plants flowers soil
Even fertiliser, cos Dick deals in it
So what? everyone in Tap
Has to handle shit

OK Dick has had the lion’s share
Of insults tonight
Let’s have a go at Maralyn
It would be only right

Farewell Co-Worker Poem

Does Maralyn like to take a drink?
Was Hitler fond of war? 
At the ’81 Burns night
She was flat out on the floor

It was on that particular night
When she’d had more than a dram
She said in defense “Am no so drink
As tinkle peep I am” 

Burns night is reserved for scots
But do they invite Dick
Yeah, they need a token Englishman
They need someone to kick

Yes, Maralyn’s often on the floor
But to be absolutely fair
It’s not always her fault
It’s sometimes the chair

Ah yes chairs, we discussed the Salisbury’s leaving
At the Orp meeting
On the one hand, swe lose Dick’s flowers
On the other, we save on seating

So you’re saying Maralyn likes to drink
Yes she does and how
Well look at her head - there’s the proof
She’s even plastered now

I’m told that our Maralyn
Likes the Cambridge diet
How would she know? she’s always pregnant
She’s got no time to try it

Let’s return to Dick and Cyprus
I’ve heard he’s not adverse
Well he hardly knows the place
But he knows every single nurse

I don’t exactly understand
What you’ve just said
Well Dick went to Cyprus
And spent the whole time in bed

Yer see for most who go on holiday
It’s the hotel cost that kills
Dick books into hospitals
IAP pays all the bills

Right, I think we’ve said enough
It’s time to end this rhyme
Because folks, yes you’ve guessed
It’s pressie - giving time

Farewell Co-Worker Poem

 I've got lots of leaving poems, some are general and for coworkers leaving, including those female colleagues leaving to have a baby. Here's those links

General Leaving Poems 

Co-Worker Leaving Poems 

Leaving to Have Baby Poems 

Employee Leaving Farewell Messages 

This is the material for New Home and Teacher Thanks When Leaving School 

New Home Poems 

Teacher Thanks Leaving School Poems 

Next are the links to very specific poems, in the form of speeches which I wrote and performed for specific coworkers leaving. They are included here because people have used them for inspiration as well as using specific verses where the traits/characteristics matched the 'victims' they had in mind 

Specific Goodbye Speech as Poem 1

Specific Farewell Speech as Poem 2 

Specific Farewell Speech as Poem 3 

Specific Farewell Speech as Poem 4 

Specific Farewell Speech as Poem 5 

Specific Farewell Speech as Poem 6 

Specific Farewell Speech as Poem 7 

Specific Farewell Poem 8 


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