Funny Rude Poems

Welcome to Funny Rude Poems which brings you free funny naughty, dirty, sexy, adult poems for sending to a boyfriend, girlfriend, valentine or someone you fancy for a birthday, St Valentines Day or any other occasion









For my chosen birthday gift, from the lesbians next door
I got a gold Rolex, instead
They misunderstood what I wanted
"I wanna watch" is what I said

© Jon Bratton 2011

©V4C

A little boy walks into his parents' room
Then wears a quizzical frown
When he see his Mom on top of his Dad
Bouncing up and down.

The mother quickly dismounts,
Worried about what her son saw
She dresses quickly and goes to find him.
Standing outside the door

He asks, 'What were you doing to Dad just then?'
She replies, 'Well, you know Dad is fat
He has a big tummy so sometimes
I get on top and make it flat.'

'Well, you’re just wasting your time, Mom,'
She is told by her bright young pup
Cos when you go out, the lady next door
Gets on her knees and blows it back up.'

© Jon Bratton 2009

Funny Rude Poems

©V4C

I'd like to scuttle your puttle
Spiddle your paddle
Tickle your wickle
And twittle your taddle

Stroodle your doodle
Cromple your string
Brundle your strundle
And frondle your ding

See, I told you I'm completely nuts about you

© Jon Bratton 2004

Funny Rude Poems

©V4C

Wife to Husband Poem

Happy Bonking Day, (Paul)
Already I've given a clue
Here's another.....wear your birthday suit
Guess what present I've got for you

Enjoy, Birthday Boy

© Jon Bratton 2004

©V4C

Enjoy your birthday, Darling
Indeed, I'll see that you do
This comes with love (and a promise)
From your wife...and best friend too
This is the Happy Daddy's Day card
( Lewis ) and ( Jenny ) asked me to send
And I'm to give you something special
But was given no money to spend

What can I give you that's special
That doesn't cost a sou?
Oh well, as it's your special day
I'll leave it up to you

Whatsoever you decide
I can deal with, no fearing
Providing it doesn't involve wet fish
Or bedroom chandeliering

© J Bratton 2004

Funny Rude Poems

©V4C

Three Wishes, Granny

An old lady is rocking on her porch
Chewing baccy and drinking beers
While reflecting on her life,
A fairy godmother appears

And says she can have three wishes.
Says the old lady," if I may be so bold
I'd like to be really stinking rich."
***POOF****
Her chair turns to solid gold.

She says, I'd like to be young again
And pretty, with poise, finesse
***POOF***
In less than it takes to blink an eye
She's a beautiful princess

While considering her third wish
The old woman's cat wanders in
Ooh...can you change him into a prince?"
All handsome tall and thin
***POOF***

There before her stands an Adonis
Where once was her kitten
More handsome than she could have imagined.
She stares, all coy and... smitten

With a smile that makes her knees weak.
And with breath, decidedly bated
He whispers "Now I bet you're regretting
You had me neutered... snipped...castrated!!

© Jon Bratton 2007

©V4C

Out of the mouths of babes...

Mother returned from 2 days away
Her little boy greeted her by saying,
"Mummy, guess what! Yesterday!
I was in your wardrobe, playing

Daddy came in with the lady next door
And their clothes started to drop
And they lay undressed on the bed
And then daddy climbed on top ..."

Mother held up her hand.
"Not another word. That story's bad
Exactly what you've just told me."
I want you to tell to Dad

As Dad walked into the house,
His wife said, "I'm off. I'm packed already, see? "
"But why--" asked the startled father.
" Sonny. Tell him what you told me."

"Well," Sonny said, "I was playing in your wardrobe
And daddy came in with the lady next door
And they got undressed
And all their clothes were on the floor

And they got up on the bed
And then they did that thing
That you did with Uncle John
When daddy was away, last Spring."

© Jon Bratton 2007

©V4C

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