Jon Bratton's

 Funny Rude Poems 

but, first...

I've been writing verses
For 60 years...phew!
And d'yer know why I did it?
T'was especially for you

Jon Bratton

Welcome to Funny Rude Poems
I'd like to scuttle your puttle
Spiddle your paddle
Tickle your wickle
And twittle your taddle

Stroodle your doodle
Cromple your string
Brundle your strundle
And frondle your ding

See, I told you I'm completely nuts about you

© Jon Bratton 2004


This page brings you free funny naughty, dirty, sexy, adult poems for sending to a boyfriend, girlfriend, valentine or someone you fancy for a birthday, St Valentines Day or any other occasion 


For my chosen birthday gift, from the lesbians next door
I got a gold Rolex, instead
They misunderstood what I wanted
"I wanna watch" is what I said

© Jon Bratton 2011

Funny Rude Poems

You've arrived on this Sexy Poems page and you'll find lots of what you're looking for here. I’ve found that this page gets popular at Valentines time so I'd like to give you the heads up that there's lots of great saucy /sexy / innuendo / double entendre love stuff on other pages (if you want dirty/filthy, you’ve come to the wrong place). As a trailer, here's examples of what can be found elsewhere

From Husband Birthday Verses Page

I love you oh so very much
Totally, completely
From the very top of my head
To the bottom of my feetly

And another part really loves you
If you know what I mean!
It’s a place..not head nor feet
But directly in between

Jon Bratton 2007


From my blog

Rose are red
Violets are blue
Meet me at Specsavers
For a right seeing to


My Aardvark and friends

I already had an aardvark and an octopus
So you can imagine the almighty fuss
When I took home a hippopotamus
When I did it again next day, me Dad just cusses
"Two bloomin' hippopotamuses
They're as big as double decker buses"
"Actually", says I, "it's better to say
Though never double decker bi
Don't ask me why"...but he did ask me why
"Grammar" was my reply
Me Dad thought I was taking the piss
He said " Hey, leave me Mother out of this"
Grandma wasn't happy at me getting a new pet
"I haven't finished the gloves for your octopus yet"
She declares
"I've only knitted 4 pairs
(She wanted spares)
And what's more, I'm knitting bootees for your Aunt
Well, not for her, for her ele phant
It's all such a palaver
That aardvark'll wait ages for his balaclava
I'm 82, me lad, and not a fast knitter
And I don't want to sound bitter
But keeping 5 large creatures in a bedsitter..
..Is not very mature
Considering the manure"

Jon Bratton © 2005


Violets aren't blue, they're violet
And only some roses are red
Let's continue this biology lesson
Ensconced in your bed


From Valentine Poems Page

Out of all the people I've ever met, 
You're the one who makes me draw 
Those silly little hearts on my papers.
Be my’ve struck my awe


From Valentine Verses Page

I'd give up Jim Beam and Jack Daniels

And swear a No Smoking oath

I'd take exercise and use weights

To encourage (penal)(bosom) growth

I'd improve my grooming habits

And discover wonderful places to dine

I'd go to IKEA to improve my wardrobe

If you'd be my Valentine

A refusal will cause my enlistment

In the French Foreign Legion

I'd shun all connubial pleasures

By padlocking my nether region

I'd shun all mind enhancing drugs

Oh yes, even beer and wine

Don't feel any pressure, my darling

But please be my Valentine

Jon Bratton © 2011


Being public spirited

Is so rewarding, I've found

I feel the urge to donate my organ

Whenever you're around

Jon Bratton © 2011


Look into my eyes. 
Your eyes are getting heavy
You're getting sleepy,
Sleeeepy, sleeeepy. 
Now repeat after me..
"I want to be your love slave".


From Humorous Love Poems Page

This is a love poem

What I have written

Cos with all consuming love

I've been smitten
And when I say smitten

I mean everywhere

There's one bit, particularly smit

But let's not go down there

Part of Long Poem
 © Jon Bratton 2007


More Funny Rude Poems

How can a woman make a man happy?
There's only two things on the list to choose
Be naked 
Have booze


From Funny Sexy Limericks Page

Wear nothing, not even your bikini
I’ve spilled some gin on my weenie.
I thought this uncouth,
So I’ve added vermouth,
Would you like me to slip you a martini?

© Jon Bratton 2004

Adapted from a limerick


From Funny Sexy Quotes Page

Jesus paid for our sins 
Now let's get our money's worth.


You’ve always accused me of talking dirty
But I’ve not
Shakespeare said "Graze on my lips; and if those hills be dry, stray lower, where the pleasant fountains lie."
And he was a right swot


What continues are Funny Rude Poems but not of a style to be used for Valentine poems

A little boy walks into his parents' room 
Then wears a quizzical frown
When he see his Mom on top of his Dad
Bouncing up and down.

The mother quickly dismounts,
Worried about what her son saw
She dresses quickly and goes to find him.
Standing outside the door

He asks, 'What were you doing to Dad just then?'
She replies, 'Well, you know Dad is fat
He has a big tummy so sometimes
I get on top and make it flat.'

'Well, you’re just wasting your time, Mom,'
She is told by her bright young pup
Cos when you go out, the lady next door
Gets on her knees and blows it back up.' 

© Jon Bratton 2009

Funny Rude Poems


Funny Rude Poems


Wife to Husband Poem

Happy Bonking Day, (Paul)
Already I've given a clue
Here's another.....wear your birthday suit
Guess what present I've got for you

Enjoy, Birthday Boy

© Jon Bratton 2004


Enjoy your birthday, Darling
Indeed, I'll see that you do
This comes with love (and a promise)
From your wife...and best friend too
This is the Happy Daddy's Day card
( Lewis ) and ( Jenny ) asked me to send
And I'm to give you something special
But was given no money to spend

What can I give you that's special
That doesn't cost a sou?
Oh well, as it's your special day
I'll leave it up to you

Whatsoever you decide
I can deal with, no fearing
Providing it doesn't involve wet fish
Or bedroom chandeliering

© J Bratton 2004

Funny Rude Poems


Three Wishes, Granny

An old lady is rocking on her porch
Chewing baccy and drinking beers
While reflecting on her life,
A fairy godmother appears

And says she can have three wishes.
Says the old lady," if I may be so bold
I'd like to be really stinking rich."
Her chair turns to solid gold.

She says, I'd like to be young again
And pretty, with poise, finesse
In less than it takes to blink an eye
She's a beautiful princess

While considering her third wish
The old woman's cat wanders in
Ooh...can you change him into a prince?"
All handsome tall and thin

There before her stands an Adonis
Where once was her kitten
More handsome than she could have imagined.
She stares, all coy and... smitten

With a smile that makes her knees weak.
And with breath, decidedly bated
He whispers "Now I bet you're regretting
You had me neutered... snipped...castrated!!

© Jon Bratton 2007


Out of the mouths of babes...

Mother returned from 2 days away
Her little boy greeted her by saying,
"Mummy, guess what! Yesterday!
I was in your wardrobe, playing

Daddy came in with the lady next door
And their clothes started to drop
And they lay undressed on the bed
And then daddy climbed on top ..."

Mother held up her hand.
"Not another word. That story's bad
Exactly what you've just told me."
I want you to tell to Dad

As Dad walked into the house,
His wife said, "I'm off. I'm packed already, see? "
"But why--" asked the startled father.
" Sonny. Tell him what you told me."

"Well," Sonny said, "I was playing in your wardrobe
And daddy came in with the lady next door
And they got undressed
And all their clothes were on the floor

And they got up on the bed
And then they did that thing
That you did with Uncle John
When daddy was away, last Spring."

© Jon Bratton 2007

Funny Rude Poems

Life is a bed of roses
But it comes with pricks, so take care
But don't become obsessed
Or you'll see them everywhere

Jon Bratton 2012


More Funny Rude Poems
And to finish this Funny Rude Poems page, here a few pet pics

More Funny Rude Poems

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