but, first...
Welcome
Everyone
I've been writing verses
For 60 years...phew!
And d'yer know why I did it?
T'was especially for you
Jon Bratton
Welcome to Funny Rude Poems
I'd like to scuttle your puttle
Spiddle your paddle
Tickle your wickle
And twittle your taddle
Stroodle your doodle
Cromple your string
Brundle your strundle
And frondle your ding
See, I told you I'm completely nuts about you
© Jon Bratton 2004
©V4C
This page brings you free funny naughty, dirty, sexy, adult poems for sending to a boyfriend, girlfriend, valentine or someone you fancy for a birthday, St Valentines Day or any other occasion
For my chosen birthday gift, from the lesbians next door
I got a gold Rolex, instead
They misunderstood what I wanted
"I wanna watch" is what I said
© Jon Bratton 2011
©V4C
Funny Rude Poems
You've arrived on this Sexy Poems page and you'll find lots of what you're looking for here. I’ve found that this page gets popular at Valentines time so I'd like to give you the heads up that there's lots of great saucy /sexy / innuendo / double entendre love stuff on other pages (if you want dirty/filthy, you’ve come to the wrong place). As a trailer, here's examples of what can be found elsewhere
From Husband Birthday Verses Page
I love you oh so very much
Totally, completely
From the very top of my head
To the bottom of my feetly
And another part really loves you
If you know what I mean!
It’s a place..not head nor feet
But directly in between
Jon Bratton 2007
©V4C
From my blog
Rose are red
Violets are blue
Meet me at Specsavers
For a right seeing to
©V4C
My Aardvark and friends
I already had an aardvark and an octopus
So you can imagine the almighty fuss
When I took home a hippopotamus
When I did it again next day, me Dad just cusses
"Two bloomin' hippopotamuses
They're as big as double decker buses"
"Actually", says I, "it's better to say
hippopotami
Though never double decker bi
Don't ask me why"...but he did ask me why
"Grammar" was my reply
Me Dad thought I was taking the piss
He said " Hey, leave me Mother out of this"
Grandma wasn't happy at me getting a new pet
"I haven't finished the gloves for your octopus yet"
She declares
"I've only knitted 4 pairs
(She wanted spares)
And what's more, I'm knitting bootees for your Aunt
Well, not for her, for her ele phant
It's all such a palaver
That aardvark'll wait ages for his balaclava
I'm 82, me lad, and not a fast knitter
And I don't want to sound bitter
But keeping 5 large creatures in a bedsitter..
..Is not very mature
Considering the manure"
Jon Bratton © 2005
©V4C
Violets aren't blue, they're violet
And only some roses are red
Let's continue this biology lesson
Ensconced in your bed
©V4C
From Valentine Poems Page
Out of all the people I've ever met,
You're the one who makes me draw
Those silly little hearts on my papers.
Be my Valentine..you’ve struck my awe
©V4C
From Valentine Verses Page
I'd give up Jim Beam and Jack Daniels
And swear a No Smoking oath
I'd take exercise and use weights
To encourage (penal)(bosom) growth
I'd improve my grooming habits
And discover wonderful places to dine
I'd go to IKEA to improve my wardrobe
If you'd be my Valentine
A refusal will cause my enlistment
In the French Foreign Legion
I'd shun all connubial pleasures
By padlocking my nether region
I'd shun all mind enhancing drugs
Oh yes, even beer and wine
Don't feel any pressure, my darling
But please be my Valentine
Jon Bratton © 2011
©V4C
Being public spirited
Is so rewarding, I've found
I feel the urge to donate my organ
Whenever you're around
Jon Bratton © 2011
©V4C
Look into my eyes.
Your eyes are getting heavy
You're getting sleepy,
Sleeeepy, sleeeepy.
Now repeat after me..
"I want to be your love slave".
©V4C
For a Haven sent Holiday Break
Click this Link
From Humorous Love Poems Page
This is a love poem
What I have written
Cos with all consuming love
I've been smitten
And when I say smitten
I mean everywhere
There's one bit, particularly smit
But let's not go down there
Part of Long Poem © Jon Bratton 2007
©V4C
How can a woman make a man happy?
There's only two things on the list to choose
Be naked
Have booze
©V4C
From Funny Sexy Limericks Page
Wear nothing, not even your bikini
I’ve spilled some gin on my weenie.
I thought this uncouth,
So I’ve added vermouth,
Would you like me to slip you a martini?
© Jon Bratton 2004
Adapted from a limerick
©V4C
From Funny Sexy Quotes Page
Jesus paid for our sins
Now let's get our money's worth.
©V4C
You’ve always accused me of talking dirty
But I’ve not
Shakespeare said "Graze on my lips; and if those hills be dry, stray lower, where the pleasant fountains lie."
And he was a right swot
©V4C
What continues are Funny Rude Poems but not of a style to be used for Valentine poems
A little boy walks into his parents' room
Then wears a quizzical frown
When he see his Mom on top of his Dad
Bouncing up and down.
The mother quickly dismounts,
Worried about what her son saw
She dresses quickly and goes to find him.
Standing outside the door
He asks, 'What were you doing to Dad just then?'
She replies, 'Well, you know Dad is fat
He has a big tummy so sometimes
I get on top and make it flat.'
'Well, you’re just wasting your time, Mom,'
She is told by her bright young pup
Cos when you go out, the lady next door
Gets on her knees and blows it back up.'
© Jon Bratton 2009
Funny Rude Poems
©V4C
Funny Rude Poems
©V4C
Wife to Husband Poem
Happy Bonking Day, (Paul)
Already I've given a clue
Here's another.....wear your birthday suit
Guess what present I've got for you
Enjoy, Birthday Boy
© Jon Bratton 2004
©V4C
Enjoy your birthday, Darling
Indeed, I'll see that you do
This comes with love (and a promise)
From your wife...and best friend too
This is the Happy Daddy's Day card
( Lewis ) and ( Jenny ) asked me to send
And I'm to give you something special
But was given no money to spend
What can I give you that's special
That doesn't cost a sou?
Oh well, as it's your special day
I'll leave it up to you
Whatsoever you decide
I can deal with, no fearing
Providing it doesn't involve wet fish
Or bedroom chandeliering
© J Bratton 2004
Funny Rude Poems
©V4C
Three Wishes, Granny
An old lady is rocking on her porch
Chewing baccy and drinking beers
While reflecting on her life,
A fairy godmother appears
And says she can have three wishes.
Says the old lady," if I may be so bold
I'd like to be really stinking rich."
***POOF****
Her chair turns to solid gold.
She says, I'd like to be young again
And pretty, with poise, finesse
***POOF***
In less than it takes to blink an eye
She's a beautiful princess
While considering her third wish
The old woman's cat wanders in
Ooh...can you change him into a prince?"
All handsome tall and thin
***POOF***
There before her stands an Adonis
Where once was her kitten
More handsome than she could have imagined.
She stares, all coy and... smitten
With a smile that makes her knees weak.
And with breath, decidedly bated
He whispers "Now I bet you're regretting
You had me neutered... snipped...castrated!!
© Jon Bratton 2007
©V4C
Out of the mouths of babes...
Mother returned from 2 days away
Her little boy greeted her by saying,
"Mummy, guess what! Yesterday!
I was in your wardrobe, playing
Daddy came in with the lady next door
And their clothes started to drop
And they lay undressed on the bed
And then daddy climbed on top ..."
Mother held up her hand.
"Not another word. That story's bad
Exactly what you've just told me."
I want you to tell to Dad
As Dad walked into the house,
His wife said, "I'm off. I'm packed already, see? "
"But why--" asked the startled father.
" Sonny. Tell him what you told me."
"Well," Sonny said, "I was playing in your wardrobe
And daddy came in with the lady next door
And they got undressed
And all their clothes were on the floor
And they got up on the bed
And then they did that thing
That you did with Uncle John
When daddy was away, last Spring."
© Jon Bratton 2007
©V4C
Funny Rude Poems
Life is a bed of roses
But it comes with pricks, so take care
But don't become obsessed
Or you'll see them everywhere
Jon Bratton 2012
©V4C
More Funny Rude Poems
And to finish this Funny Rude Poems page, here a few pet pics
Verses4Cards
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On the other hand
Fair and Proper Use
If you are a
Crafter
Private Individual
Charity
you are free to use these verses, poems and quotes without asking permission and this includes Craft Card Makers who sell cards on a semi commercial basis (ie sales of not more than 50 cards per week)
©
V4C
write for the occasion
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