Jon Bratton's

Roasting Speeches

but, first...

I've been writing verses
For 60 years...phew!
And d'yer know why I did it?
T'was especially for you

Jon Bratton

This Roasting Speeches example is written to be read out by two people, one being nice (good cop) and the other pretending not to be nice (bad cop)

(Today)(tonight), we have a change of style
It's a different kind of do
I've cut my eloquent, articulate, smooth and polished speech
That'll save an hour or two

We have for you a little ditty
A farewell and good luck quip
(To say goodbye to our dear friend)
(To say goodbye to retiring Charlie) 
As he departs this sinking ship

It's time for our ditty to Charlie
As you eat and sup your fill
To say Happy 50th, you've peaked
Peaked?...don't you mean 'over the hill'?

Yes (a Co-worker is leaving)
(It's Charlie's 50th birthday)
(It's Charlie's retirement party)
It's now sincerity time
To pay him a special tribute
By insulting him in rhyme

I think I ought to tell you, Charlie
In case you're mad as hell
That some ideas came from (Miss Tomkins)
And (Mr. Browne) helped as well

(Johnny Grey), and (Jack Barton)
(George Carey) wrote a verse
(Jimmy's) bits were cryptic
(Liz Smith's) even worse

In fact (the whole department)
In fact (everyone, you thought was a mate)
As you will clearly see
Wrote a load of insults

'cept me

Co-workers (leaving)(retiring) is always sad
A time for sorrow and grieving
But today we can be happy
Coz Charlie, it's you that's leaving

I've heard about your ditties
I'm not sure I'm very keen
I just take poetic license
You take liberties, you mean

If you're going to insult my friend
I don't want any part
Oh (Mary)(Bill), don't make a fuss
I'll behave, cross my heart

Roasting Speeches cont...d

OK, but no derogatory remarks
Did I not promise just now
No innuendoes or calling him names
Get on, yer silly cow

Roasting Speeches Verses Poems Quotes

Anyway, stop worrying
Charlie and I are good friends
Mind you, it'll be a friendship sorely tested
By the time this ditty ends

It's a verbal crucifixtion
(Before Charlie, you go)
(A below the belt blow)
Charlie, I apologise buddy
But it's a tradition, don't you know

I didn't want to write it
I pleaded with the (Goodbye) (Retirement) (Birthday) Committee
They insisted, they said you'd like it
And added, if you don't, well, tough titty

Charlie, let me say right now
I'm hoping by the end we can have a truce
Because out of (35) verses
There's (30) of abuse

(Alright, it's (goodbye)(happy birthday) to a hard worker
It is a terrible pity
To lose such a staunch member of...
(The Skivers and Shirkers Committee)
(The Under 50's Commitee)

(Yes, age has descended on Charlie
Well, that's fair and true
He had wavy hair but it waved goodbye
He now saves money on shampoo

We're saying (goodbye)(happy birthday) to a learned colleague
Who knows that one over the eight is nine
We're bidding (adieu)(best wishes) to a man of spirit
Who's very fond of wine

We all like to socialise
With a drop of wine or beer
But to us, it's just a pastime
To Charlie, it's his career

But Charlie donates blood
And the Red Cross are grateful...they use it to sterilize their instruments

Roasting Speeches Verses Poems Quotes

Work is a mere distraction
As a respite, it's fine
Between yesterday's binge on beer
And today's excess of wine

Charlie has a very balanced diet
Yeah, a beer in both hands

Charlie's a very hard worker
Do you really think that's true?
If you tell Mr (Black) that (Charlie's leaving)(it's Charlie's birthday)
He'll say "Sorry, Charlie Who?

Roasting Speeches Verses Poems Quotes

No I'm not having it
We can't treat a friend this way
OK, Clever Clogs
You think of something nice to say

You can always rely on Charlie
When you're in a desperate need
When things are bad but could get worse
They will, that's guaranteed

I've noticed he doesn't suffer from stress
Well, that's coz he's a carrier

I remember when poor Charlie (lost that big order)(fell down the stairs) (whatever)
I felt sorry for him, more than a bit
It's something Charlie would like to forget
Yes, that's why I mentioned it

You couldn't have been more insulting
What have you got to say?
I'm very sorry...I'm very sorry
You made me throw all the best bits away

Charlie, take no notice of him
His inferiority complex is fully justified
He started out with nothing..and still has most of it left

Ignore him Charlie, I'm on your side

Talking of which, Charlie plays football, does he not?
What's his position in the team? side? pack?
I'm not sure, but I've heard Bill, his captain
Refer to him as the drawback

Roasting Speeches Verses Poems Quotes

Enough! I'd like now to propose a toast
To bring this ditty to an end
To Charlie, no longer (a co-worker)(in the first flush of youth)
But still a very dear friend

Jon Bratton 2009
compiled using material previously written by him 

Most of these verses have been used in previous deliveries and it might help to see the videos which will prove they went down well. They are all gathered in the Roasting Speeches Example containing much of above material
Roasting Speech of Farewell to Co Worker
Another Roasting Sample 

All of the Scripts may be accessed from here 

Good Luck!

Roasting Speeches is the name of this page because it has a generic roasting speech in rhyme and links to actual speeches to specific people, which has material specific to them. This can never do the full job because by their very nature roastings must be geared to the 'victim'. If you can't do the specifics in rhyme, then do them in prose. I've sprinkled a few in the sample speech above 

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