Jon Bratton's

Funny Sexy Poems

but, first...
Welcome
Everyone

I've been writing verses
For 60 years...phew!
And d'yer know why I did it?
T'was especially for you

Jon Bratton

Welcome to Funny Sexy Poems Verses Quotes
Let's sin
On a tiger skin
Or, if you prefer
We could err
On a different fur

© V4C  

Here you'll find the best short free online printable funny dirty sexy erotic rude verses and poems 


The gift for you, I pondered thus 
Was a ginormous hippopotamus 
So you and I could ride
Astride 
His hippo hide
While sitting on our bottomus 
And, perhaps, 
Since you've got him, 
I Should get one too.... 
Two ...hippopotami 
Or we could just do it.. ..
like normal peopleli

Adapted by Jon Bratton © 2004 from somewhere

© V4C  


You've arrived on this Sexy Poems page and you'll find lots of what you're looking for here. I’ve found that this page gets popular at Valentines time so I'd like to give you the heads up that there's lots of great saucy /sexy / innuendo / double entendre love stuff on other pages (if you want dirty/filthy, you’ve come to the wrong place). As a trailer, here's examples of what can be found elsewhere

From Husband Birthday Verses Page

I love you oh so very much
Totally, completely
From the very top of my head
To the bottom of my feetly

And another part really loves you
If you know what I mean!
It’s a place..not head nor feet
But directly in between

Jon Bratton 2007

© V4C  

From my blog

Rose are red
Violets are blue
Meet me at Specsavers
For a right seeing to

© V4C  

Violets aren't blue, they're violet
And only some roses are red
Let's continue this biology lesson
Ensconced in your bed

© V4C  

From Valentine Poems Page

Out of all the people I've ever met, 
You're the one who makes me draw 
Those silly little hearts on my papers.
Be my Valentine..you’ve struck my awe

© V4C 
Funny Sexy Poems 

From Valentine Verses Page

I'd give up Jim Beam and Jack Daniels

And swear a No Smoking oath

I'd take exercise and use weights

To encourage (penal)(bosom) growth

I'd improve my grooming habits

And discover wonderful places to dine

I'd go to IKEA to improve my wardrobe

If you'd be my Valentine

A refusal will cause my enlistment

In the French Foreign Legion

I'd shun all connubial pleasures

By padlocking my nether region

I'd shun all mind enhancing drugs

Oh yes, even beer and wine

Don't feel any pressure, my darling

But please be my Valentine

Jon Bratton © 2011

 © V4C  

Being public spirited

Is so rewarding, I've found

I feel the urge to donate my organ

Whenever you're around

Jon Bratton © 2011

© V4C 

The surgeon went berserk with the blonde nurse
In her hand were wobbly things, precisely, two
The doc shouted “Slip off his spectacles,
Is what I asked you to do”

Jon Bratton © 2013

© V4C 




More Funny Sexy Poems

Look into my eyes. 
Your eyes are getting heavy
You're getting sleepy,
Sleeeepy, sleeeepy. 
Now repeat after me..
"I want to be your love slave".

From Funny Rude Poems Page

© V4C  

What can I give you that's special

That doesn't cost a sou?

Oh well, as it's Valentines day

I'll leave it up to you

Whatsoever you decide

I can deal with, no fearing

Providing it doesn't involve wet fish

Or bedroom chandelier ing

Jon Bratton © 2004

© V4C  

The following is by far the most popular thing I've written if the number of times it's been copied is anything to go by

I'd like to scuttle your puttle

Spiddle your paddle

Tickle your wickle

And twittle your taddle
Stroodle your doodle
Cromple your string

Brundle your strundle

And frondle your ding

See, I told you I'm completely nuts about you

Jon Bratton © 2004

© V4C  

From Humorous Love Poems Page

This is a love poem

What I have written

Cos with all consuming love

I've been smitten
And when I say smitten

I mean everywhere

There's one bit, particularly smit

But let's not go down there

Part of Long Poem
 © Jon Bratton 2007

© V4C  

How can a woman make a man happy?
There's only two things on the list to choose
Be naked 
Have booze

© V4C 
Funny Sexy Poems 

From Funny Sexy Limericks Page

Wear nothing, not even your bikini
I’ve spilled some gin on my weenie.
I thought this uncouth,
So I’ve added vermouth,
How’d you like me to slip you a martini?

© Jon Bratton 2004

Adapted from a limerick

© V4C  

From Funny Sexy Quotes Page

Jesus paid for our sins 
Now let's get our money's worth.

© V4C  

You’ve always accused me of talking dirty
But I’ve not
Shakespeare said "Graze on my lips; and if those hills be dry, stray lower, where the pleasant fountains lie."
And he was a right swot

© V4C  


That's the end of the heads up. Funny Sexy poems follow but they are not in a format to suit Valentines Day, except perhaps for this next one

may i feel said he
(i'll squeal said she
just once said he)
it's fun said she

(may i touch said he
how much said she
a lot said he)
why not said she

(let's go said he
not too far said she
what's too far said he
where you are said she)

may i stay said he
(which way said she
like this said he
if you kiss said she

may i move said he
is it love said she)
if you're willing said he
(but you're killing said she

but it's life said he
I'm (not) your wife said she
now said he)
ow said she

(tiptop said he
don't stop said she
oh no said he)
go slow said she

(cccome? said he
ummm said she)
you're divine! said he
(you are Mine said she)

Be Mine
Be My Valentine

I have slightly altered that poem by e.e. cummings as the original suggests adultery. As it is now, it's a nice sexy poem for Valentines or a birthday or a love poem even to your wife if you change slightly the line that mentions wife

© Funny Sexy Poems

© V4C  

I Wanted Her

As she squatted down to pat a dog
I got some randy thoughts
Crouched down her rounded buttocks
Put a strain upon her shorts
And I wanted her

When she stood up she threw back
The hair from her face
The sunlight caught the blonde strands
My heart began to race
And I so wanted her

She reached behind to tie back her hair
And her breasts looked round and pert
Pushed up tightly, as they were
Against her see through linen shirt
And I really wanted her

Seeing me looking, she smiled coyly
That’s when I had my wicked way
Right there and then in our garden
We’re (married)(engaged)(a couple), so that’s OK

© V4C  

 Mega bites was what my girlfriend did
And gig was a show at night
A ram was a randy man or goat, 
Windows just let in the light

An application was for employment 
A programme was a TV show 
A curser used profanity 
And a keyboard, a pian...o

Memory was something you lost with age 
A disc was rock or blues 
And if you had a 3 inch floppy 
You'd be peeing on your shoes.

Log on was fuel on the fire 
Hard drive was to Inverness 
A mouse pad was where a rodent lived 
And a back up, an awful mess.

Cut you did with a pocket knife. 
Paste you did with glue 
A web was where a spider lived 
And a virus was the flu

© V4C  

Funny Sexy Poems

This useful tool is about eight inches long
It’s usually hung, dangling loose
It’s enjoyed by members of both sexes
It’s always ready for instant use.

It boasts a clump of little hairy things 
And a small hole at the other end 
When used the shaft is inserted,
It’s not intended to bend

It’s moved sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly,

 Depends on the length of the session
In the warm,fleshy, moist opening 
It’s thrust many times in succession

Accompanied by squirming bodily movements.

As it’s moved in, out, up, and around
These well lubricated movements
Make a rhythmic pulsing sound

The glistening shaft is finally drawn out,
When the job’s done well enough
It leaves behind something frothy
A sort of sticky white stuff


After everything is done, 
It is returned to its freely hanging state 
Ready for another bit of action,
There’s usually not long to wait

Sometimes it’s twice or thrice a day
Less, if you’re not so keen
To vigorously use your toothbrush
Keeping your teeth sparking clean


Jon Bratton © 2011
(Based on a joke by Author Unknown)

© V4C   

Funny Sexy Poems

A hard man is good to find. 
Mae West

© V4C  

Mental anxiety, 
Mental breakdowns, 
Menstrual cramps, 
Mentalpause..

Did you ever notice how ..
..all women's problems begin with 

MEN!!!

© V4C  

Funny Sexy Poems

The sky was dark
the moon was high
all alone
just her and I

Her hair so soft
her eyes so blue
I knew just what
she wanted to do

Her skin so soft
her legs so fine
I ran my fingers 
down her spine

I didn't know how
but I tried my best
to place my hand
on her breast

I remember my fear
my fast beating heart
but slowly she spread 
her legs apart

And when she did
I felt no shame
as all at once 
the white stuff came

At last it was finished
it's all over now,
my first time
...milking a cow.

© V4C  

Funny Sexy Poems



She whispered "will it hurt me?" 
"Of course not" answered he 
"It's a very simple process, 
You can rely on me." 

She said "I'm very frightened,
I've not had this before. 
My friend has had it five times 
And said it can be sore." 

It was growing rather painful 
Tears formed in her eyes 
It was hurting quite a bit now 
It must have been a size. 

"Calm yourself" he whispered 
"His face filled with a grin 
"Try and open wider 
So I can get it in." 

"It's coming now" he whispered 
"I know" she cried in bliss 
Feeling it deep within her now 
She said "I am glad I'm having this." 

And with a final effort 
She gave a frightened shout 
He gripped it in anguish 
And quickly pulled it out. 

She lay back quite contended 
Sighed and gave a smile 
She said "I'm glad I came now 
You made it worth my while." 

Now if you read this carefully 
The dentist you will find 
Is not what you imagined 
It's just your dirty mind!! 

© V4C  

Funny Sexy Poems

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination -Timbuktu.

Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They were three, we were two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu

© V4C  

For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts.
Don't over-squeeze or bruise them,
And give them monthly tests.

The time came, when I needed more
A mamagram was needed
Speaking of which, in the machine
My boobs were very kneaded

"Take a deep breath" I was told,
"Excuse me, you surely jest?!?
I'm getting very woozy
And the machine has mashed me chest

This machine was created by a man,
Of this, I have no doubt.
I'd like to stick his pair down there, in there,
And see how they come out.

© V4C  


Women Lib!
When men are born, the mothers get the compliments and the flowers.
When men are married, the brides get the presents and the publicity.
When men die, the widows get the life insurance.
What do women want to get liberated from?

© V4C  

Funny Sexy Poems

The rain, it raineth on the Just
And on the Unjust fella. 
But chiefly on the Just because
The Unjust steals the Just's umbrella.

© V4C  

When you were in your younger days, 
And you were your svelte self, 
Your belt was round your waist 
Now it sits below your shelf. 

Now that you're more mature, 
Why not set your body free; 
Seek the comfort of elastic 
Where once your waist would be. 

You now need to wear glasses 
As the prints are getting smaller; 
And it wasn't very long ago 
I know that you were taller. 

But though your hair has turned to grey 
And your skin no longer fits, 
On the inside, you're the same old you,
And I love you still, to bits.

© V4C  

Funny Sexy Poems

When you were in your younger days, 
You weighed a few pounds less, 
You needn't hold your tummy in 
To wear a belted dress. 

But now that you are older, 
You can set your body free; 
There's the comfort of elastic 
Where once your waist would be. 

And how about those tights you wear 
They're sized by weight, I see, 
So that explains why the crotch 
Is down below the knee 

You now need to wear glasses 
As the prints are getting smaller; 
And it wasn't very long ago 
I know that you were taller. 

Though your hair has turned to grey 
And your skin no longer fits, 
On the inside, you're the same old you, 
And I love you still to bits.

© V4C  

1000 sticks of dynamite sitting on a wall
1000 sticks of dynamite sitting on a wall
And if one stick of dynamite should accidentally fall...
There'll be no sticks of dynamite and no effing wall 

© V4C  

SEX IS LIKE MATHS

You SUBTRACT the clothes
ADD the bed
DIVIDE the legs
Then MULTIPLY!!!!

© V4C  

Funny Sexy Poems

Here's a sampling of Tiddy Ogg, a very funny blind person. You must visit his site at once..indeed you may borrow my car to do so

In the shade of the old granny smith,
The girl with a lisp I was with
Became most romantic,
Her antics grew frantic...
"For heaven'th thake give me a kith."

In the shade of the golden delicious,
I felt she was getting lubricious.
We slowly disrobed,
And places I probed...
But telling you more's ...injudicious.

© V4C  

Funny Sexy Poems


As I write out this card
I've gone into a dream,
Thinking of you smothered
All over, in whipped cream.

I get this thought every night
And wonder when it'll stop.
And I'm always wondering what it'll be like
With a cherry on the top! 

© V4C   

Nothing could be finer, than to be in Carolina, in the morning.

 Funny Sexy poems  © V4C  

The grand old Duke of York
He had ten thousand men, 
And when he had the energy
He had them all again

© V4C  

Funny Sexy Poems

Mary had a little skirt
with splits right up the sides
and everywhere that Mary went
the boys could see her thighs.
Mary had another skirt
'twas split right up the front
...But she didn't wear that one often

© V4C  

Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her
Between two chunks of bread.

© V4C  

Funny Sexy Poems

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
Her clothes all tattered and torn.
It wasn't the spider that crept up beside her
T'was Little Boy Blue with a horn.

© V4C  

Simple Simon met a pieman going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pieman
"What have you got there?"
Said the pieman unto Simon
Pies, you dickhead!.

© V4C  

Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its bum
And now its wool is nylon

© V4C  

Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play
He kissed them too cos he was funny that way.

© V4C  

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Jill, the dill,
Forgot her pill, 
And now they have a son.

© V4C  

Jack and Jill went up the hill
For just an itty bitty.
Jill’s now two months overdue,
And Jack has left the city

© V4C  

Funny Sexy Poems

Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard 
To fetch her poor dog a bone. 
When she bent over 
Rover took over 
And gave her a bone of his own 

© V4C  

Spider, spider on the wall.
Ain't you got no sense at all?
Can't you see the walls been plastered?
Now you're stuck you silly bastard

© V4C  

Hey Diddle, Diddle, 
The cat did a piddle, 
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun 
Then died of electric shock.

© V4C  

Funny Sexy Poems

There was a little girl, 
Who had a little curl 
Right in the middle of her forehead...
And when she was good, 
She was very very good, 
But when she was bad 
She got a fur coat, jewels, a 
mansion and a sports car 

© V4C  

Funny Sexy Poems

Auld Langs Syne is Cockney Rhyming Slang
For soixante-neuf, 69
We're auld acqaintances, so howsabout
A bit of Auld Langs Syne?

© V4C  

Goldilocks, it's known, had lots of guys
And Pinnochio's one, I do surmise
She'd sit on his face
Stick his nose in that place
Then make the poor puppet tell lies! 

© V4C  

I made this card just for you
At least the outside's clean
I'll put kisses on the bottom
And elsewhere...(if you see what I mean? )

© Jon Bratton 2004

© V4C  

Funny Sexy Poems

At six feet three and sixteen stone
You're enormous, some would think
But I love all your big bits
Some more than others .....wink...wink..!

© Jon Bratton 2004

© V4C  

You've got arthritis in both your knees
And when you talk, you tend to wheeze. 
Your pulse is weak, your blood is thin
Your memory's failing, your head's in a spin
How do you know your youth is spent?
Cos your "get up and go" has got up and went
But never mind, you'll be like a young pup 
As you recall all the places your get up's got up
Arise each morning and dust off your wits
Pick up the paper and read the obits.
If your name's not there, you know you're not dead
Just fix some breakfast and go back to bed. 

Jon Bratton © 2007
adapted from other work by unknown author

© V4C  

Funny Sexy Poems

Remember when you couldn't make
Your trouser snake behave
When every single morning 
It would stand and watch you shave.

And now you're old and feeble
And your pilot light is out,
What used to be your sex appeal 
Is now your water spout.

I knew this would cheer you up on your birthday

Jon Bratton © 2007
adapted from other work by unknown author

© V4C  

One day, two women
Walked into a loo
I'd have thought one of them would have seen it
Wouldn't you?

Jon Bratton © 2007

© V4C  

Funny Sexy Poems

He laid her on the table
So white and clean and bare.
His forehead wet with beads of sweat
He rubbed her, here and there.
He touched her neck and then her breast
And her legs, low at first, then high
He was drooling now, "I love this bird"
He thought, as he felt her thigh.
He reached his quest it was wide and wet 
Sort of dark and murky.
He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms
And then he stuffed the turkey! 

© V4C  

Food of Love

Take a plump stalk of fair play
Add a head of love when hot
Put in a knob of friendship
And another knob...why not?

Sprinkle in some patience
Add generous love to taste
Stir in some affection
Spoon on tolerance, and baste

If there's anger, let it simmer down
Leave out temper,let it be
Now that my lovely naked chef
Is the perfect recipe

Lets put a bun in the oven
Cast off your oven glove
My taste buds are a-tingling
I drool for you, my love

You know how to knead my dumplings
And my buns ,and all the rest
Your meat and two veg are to die for
Your spotted dick's the best

Happy Anniversary, Chef
We must have got things right
With you around to cook my goose
I've got a healthy appetite

( And I'm quite fond of food as well )

© Jon Bratton 2004

© V4C  

Funny Sexy Poems

Why a cat is better than a man

A cat needn't be right all of the time
Or leave up the toilet seat
Or hog the TV remote control
Or complain if you turn up the heat

Or complain about your mother
Or grill you 'bout other cats you've known
Or feel the need to finish your sentences
Or complain if you use the phone

Or say you look better when wearing high heels
Or make jokes at your expense
Or proudly sport a beer belly
Yet still flirt o'er the garden fence

Or complain if its dinner comes out of a can
Or act like a baby when sick
Or need a rottweiler to make it feel macho
Or have its brain controlled by its dick

©Jon Bratton 2004

Funny Sexy Poems

© V4C  

Last night I held a lovely hand,
A hand so small and neat,

I thought my heart would burst with joy,
So wildly did it beat.
No other hand unto my heart
Could greater pleasure bring
Than the dear one I held last night--
Four aces and a king. 

© V4C  

Funny Sexy Poems

The Frog and the Princess

Once upon a time, in a land far away,
While resting from her morning jog
A beautiful, self-assured princess
Happened upon a frog 

She was contemplating ecological issues 
On the shores of an unpolluted pond 
In a verdant meadow near her castle.
Of which she was very fond

The frog hopped into her lap
"Elegant Lady, I'm a handsome prince,
An evil witch cast a spell on me.
I've been amphibious ever since..

One kiss from you, however, 
And I'll be like the new James Bond, but blonder 
And then, my sweet, we can marry 
And live in your castle yonder..

...With my mother, 
Where you can prepare our meals and such
Clean our clothes, bear my children,
And be grateful ever so much".

That night the princess dined on lightly sautéed frogs legs 
On the table, were the remains of her Beau
And chuckling to herself she said: 
"I don't flippng think so".

© Jon Bratton 2007

© V4C  

That's the last of the Funny Sexy Poems 
Return to Top of Funny Sexy Poems 

Funny Rude Poems 

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Funny Sexy Quotes 

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