Wrinkinsults
Wrinkly Writing & Wridicule
Pensioner Put Downs, Senior Citizen Sayings,
but, first...
Welcome
Everyone
I've been writing verses
For 60 years...phew!
And d'yer know why I did it?
T'was especially for you
Jon Bratton
These Wrinkinsults were written, gathered or adapted by me and being in the dottiest of my dotage (I'm old!) I'm allowed because...
The young 'uns can call us mature
Like cheese growing mould
But listen up whippersnappers
There's gold in getting old
And in not, there's rot
Jon Bratton © 2011
...we're the Baby Boomers who grew up with flower power and The Beatles and we're happy to mock and be mocked.
Oldster Oddities, Doddery Ditties, Old Git's Wit, Geezer Wisdom, Age Sage Stuff, Off Rocker Ridicule and Vintage Year Song Verses for those at the Asshole End of the Age Range
Old age is in. The Baby Boomers are now the 21st Century Grandparenting Childminders and because they are also the Richest Generation and the Inheritance Generation whose contemporaries are the Ageing Rockers and the Super Rich Retiring Sportsmen the Wrinkly Industry will be huge. Made all the bigger because the Boomer Women have got in on the Golden Girls act with Grumpy Old Women, Loose Women, Hormonal Housewives and so on
There is already a mountain of books, songs, jokes, TV, movies and poems and this can only grow. Most of this tends to concentrate on jokes about old folks, the undoubted comedy associated with the ageing process.
Wrinkinsults is my word for the friendly ribbing of folks the same age as you
Wrinkinsults in Movies
Quartet,
starring Tom Courtney, Maggie Smith, Billy Connolly, Pauline Collins as four geriatric operatic stars in an aged person's home
Wrinkinsults on TV
Mrs Brown's Boys
Mrs Brown indulges in duct tape depilation in her "cupboard under the stairs", if you get my drift
One Foot in the Grave
Mad TV Take Off Vagina Monologues
Stage Shows
YouTube Wrinkinsults
Philosophy for Old Age per George Carlin
Stand Up Comedy Wrinkinsults
Ventriloquist Mr A and Gus
Young George Carlin
Chondra Pierce Menopause Parking
Wrinkinsults Songs
Wrinkinsults
See Tom Rush singing this next song
Looking for my wallet and my car keys,
Well they can’t have gone too far;
And just as soon as I find my glasses
I’m sure I’ll see just where they are.
Supposed to meet someone for lunch today,
But I can’t remember where
Or who it is that I am meeting:
It’s in my organiser ~ somewhere.
I might have left it on the counter;
Maybe outside in the car.
Last time I remember driving
Was to that Memory Enhancement Seminar.
What's that far-off distant ringing
and that strangely familiar tone?
Must be the person I am meeting
Calling me on my brand new cordless ‘phone.
I might have left it under the covers,
Or maybe outside on the lawn;
And I’ve got just one more ring to go
Before my answering machine kicks on.
*Click*
“Hi, this is Tom and your call means a lot to me,
So leave a message at the tone
And I’ll do my best to try to remember
To call you back when I get home.”
*Beep*
“Tom, this is Gwendoline, and I am trying not to cry
But I’ve been waiting here for over an hour ~
I thought you loved me. This is goodbye!”
Hell, the voice sounds familiar,
And the name it rings a bell.
Let’s see now, where was I?
Oh well…
Wrinkinsults Song written by Steven Walter
© V4C
Wrinkinsults
Senior Moments...Brain Farts
It starts out with a look of wonder written on my face
Followed by a fear of something being out of place
But searching as I look around for something I can’t find
And I wonder just what it was that ever crossed my mind
Senior moments, brain farts
Try hard to remember
but the process never starts
Staring into space for me is usually how it starts
Senior moments, brain farts
Well, I was standing in the kitchen
I had opened up the fridge
And I stood there for the longest moment
wondering why I did
I couldn’t think of one good reason
so I finally shut the door
And I wondered what I put in there
And did I want some more?
Senior moments, brain farts
See this whole wrinkinsults song
© V4C
Wrinkinsults
Victoria Wood is now a certain age and has turned her attention to the ageing process. Her song on the subject follows but here's the last verse of a wrinkinsults song which sums up the mainly female grey years
On the twelfth day of Christmas,
my true love said to me
“You have one chin hair”,
Plus I tripped over my nipples twice,
I discovered three sets of car keys in the fridge,
I washed my hair four times because I couldn’t remember if I had just done it,
I put on five pairs of pants until I found a pair I could zip up,
I had six people tell me I am too old for ‘Hottie’ shorts,
I counted seven new varicose veins,
I walked into a room eight times and didn’t know why,
I had to pee nine times in one hour,
I ate ten pieces of chocolate cheesecake,
I had eleven hormonal rages,
And I’ll be eligible for parole in twelve years.
© V4C
The Victoria Wood song lends itself to this birthday poem and the song is on the following link
Happy Birthday (Sheila)
On your (60th) today
Eek! Squeak!
You're practically antique
But you still look good anyway
Here's the VW song
© V4C
Wrinkinsults
I came across a song written and performed by Shane Ward for his own birthday...you'll find it on YouTube. I've adapted it to be used as a birthday poem as follows
Another birthday celebration
To friend and family cheers
Your childhood's ever distant
(Hairs now sprout in both your ears)
(Boob Droop brings on tears)
You've arrived at the (Big Six-O)
In life's big adventures
You're another year closer
To spectacles and dentures
There's enough birthday candles
To warm hands in the fire
Your body's moving southwards
Why can't your bits stay higher?
You're now looking less svelte
With that added weight
As your hearing and eyesite
Approach their sell by date
But, never mind, whilst you lose
In terms of eyes, ears, waist and bum
You gain, when considering
How very wise you've become
Happy Birthday, Age Sage
Jon Bratton 2012 © V4C
Wrinkinsults
Here's the very funny Karen Mills with a rap
I turned fifty, same year as Barbie
AARP put it on a marquee
Then, little by little
Gained 10 pounds around my middle
I can’t see, got no memory
Woke up with a goatee
You know it’s just not fair
To lose eyebrows and grow chin hair
Feeling hot, got liver spots
I can’t find my car in a parking lot
I forget what I was talking about
I put my clothes on inside out
Toss and turn, have heartburn
Count sheep, coz I can’t sleep
So tired, can’t get inspired
About to come undone
I need an Ambien
Chorus
Ah, ah, ah what’s the cause
Oh, oh, oh menopause
Ah, ah, ah should have known
Low, low, low hormones
Cholesterol high, libido low
I never know when I have to go
No romance, can’t take a chance
If I tie my sleeves, I wet my pants
Can’t squat, need a flu shot
I throw away things I just bought
Can’t keep my medicine straight
I took Monday three days late
Have side effects, turkey neck
Everything’s getting too high tech
Oh sure I’ve got a degree
But my phone is smarter than me
I exercise, skip the fries
Can’t get rid of these thunder thighs
So today I’m giving special thanks
To my new best friend, pair of Spanx
Chorus
Half the time I think I’m blind
Always something I can’t find
Searched my house, looked under my bed
Then found my glasses on top of my head
Moisturize, avoid the sun
So much pressure to look young
It’s got everyone committing perjury
Lying about the price of surgery
With the eyebrows jack clear up to here
With a smile that stretches ear to ear
Shooting botox around their eyes
Always have that look of surprise
Well I say, day in the when, life can be better than it’s ever been
And, my friends, I’ll tell you the truth
Laughter is the fountain of youth
Chorus
repeat
Wrinkinsults
Botox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favourite things.
Cadillacs and cataracts, hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favourite things.
When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favourite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favourite things...
Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favourite thin gs.
When the joints ache, When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.
© V4C
Wrinkinsults
J Sean Elliott singing Older Than Dirt
Here is that song in part and amended to be a wrinkinsulting birthday poem
You're older than dirt
And starting to fossilize
Much to your surprise
Now you realize
Decay is a must
And you're turning to dust
There's no supposing
You're decomposing
With ears getting hairy
And getting children scarey
But, thankfully, you're still alive
And, hopefully, you will survive
At least throughout the day
Happy, happy (78th) birthday
And a long dust free future ahead
© V4C
Wrinkinsults
People my age
Have started looking gross
I cannot say all
And I shouldn't say most
I've seen 'em in the grocery
I've seen 'em up close
(continued)
And People my age
Have started looking gross
People my age
Are showing some wear
There's holes where their teeth was
And their heads have gone bare
Their brains are shrinking
Faces sinking into fat
And as for the mirror
We won't be looking into that
People my age
Have started looking gross
Maybe not in Colorado
Or up the Silicon Coast
Back in Pennsylvania
I'd eat scrapple on toast
Those were my first steps
On the road to looking gross
People my age
Are looking overripe
Some are getting operations
To tighten up what ain't tight
What gravity's ruined
They try to fix with a knife
What's pleasant in the darkness
Is plain scary in the light
John Gorka
© V4C
Wrinkinsults
Here's a part of a Happy Birthday Song by Curtis Brand but do take a look at him performing it by clicking the link below
We gather here to wish you happy birthday
May you bask in the good wishes that we give...
...Growing old can surely have its drawbacks
Three flights of stairs can make you pant and wheeze
And you never get that far when you want to take the car
Coz you can't remember where you put the keys..
You used to be a rosey eyed romantic
At least that's what your lovely lady said
Instead of driving to Niagara
Now it's prune juice and Viagara
And wearing baggy sweat pants into bed...
Then life's play draws near the closing curtain
And you wonder how the drama finally ends
Would you rather crash and burn
And end up in an urn
Or spend your golden years...?.. in "Journey's End"...
...treat age with disdain
And learn to love the pain
Coz it's the pain that let's you know that you're alive
Chorus
You're older than dirt
And your joints all hurt
Don't you know that it's been said
You reach a certain age
When you get up in the morning
If it doesn't hurt you're dead
© V4C
Wrinkinsults
Older Than Dirt by Scott Wakefield
Older than dirt, I’m older than dirt
My belly sticks out from my tank top t-shirt
My skin’s dry and wrinkled and my muscles inert
Today is my birthday and I’m older than dirt
I went to a party met two beautiful girls
One was a brunette, one blonde with curls
When I suggested we have ménage a trois
Them girls said, “Old timer, you could be our grandpa!”
Older than dirt, I’m older than dirt
My belly sticks out from my tank top t-shirt
Now I get winded just trying to flirt
Today is my birthday and I’m older than dirt
Once I was young and I was strong as a bull
My engine was revved up, my fuel tank was full
Now I’m stuck in neutral I can’t even make a pass
My motor won’t turn over though I’m still full of gas
Older than dirt, I’m older than dirt
My belly sticks out from my tank top t-shirt
Now I just drip where I used to spurt
Today is my birthday and I’m older than dirt
The hair on my head has moved down to my back
My choppers start soaking when I hit the sack
This just can’t be what the good Lord intends
Sipping soup through a straw and wearing Depends
Older than dirt, I’m older than dirt
My belly sticks out from my tank top t-shirt
My kidneys are going and my heart’s on alert
Today is my birthday and I’m older than dirt
Older than dirt, I’m older than dirt
My belly sticks out from my tank top t-shirt
If age brings us wisdom, I’m a lifetime expert
Today is my birthday, happy birthday to me
I’m older than dirt
© V4C
Wrinkinsults
Well, I can’t squat and I can’t bend over
Got sharp pains in both of my shoulders
I’m old, I’m older than dirt
I’ve got some of my teeth and none of my hair
I can’t hardly hear but I don’t care
I'm old, I'm older than dirt
Well, I can’t complain but I still do
When you’re as old as me, you will too
There ain't nothing on my body that don't hurt
Well it's don't eat this and you can't have that
Take these pills, but don't get fat
I'm old, I'm older than dirt
Well, I plan my trips around the bathroom stops
With my old body I don't need clocks
I'm old, I'm older than dirt
I grow hair in my nose and hair in my ears
I ain't seen my feet in fifteen years
I'm old, I'm older than dirt
Well, I know you're laughing but it ain't funny
I can't remember where I hid my money
Sometimes I feel dumber than a rock
I go from room to room and I stop and stare
I don't know where I am or why I'm there
I'm old, I'm older than dirt
Now some might say I don't have a care
I spend my golden years in my underwear
I'm old, I'm older than dirt
Well, I think I'm getting wiser with the passing years
My nose is getting bigger and so are my ears
I'm old, I'm older than dirt
Now, senior loving can be real nice
I remember one year when we did it twice
That was twice as much as we did the year before
Well, I've come to the end of my old man ran
I'm going to go out if I can find my pants
I'm old, I'm older than dirt
And you are too, yeah we're old, older than dirt
© V4C
Wrinkinsults
Wrinkinsults Poems & Sayings
Forget about the PAST,
you can’t change it.
Forget about the FUTURE...
it can’t be done, anyway
Forget about the PRESENT
Like I had to do on my birthday
Just saying...
Happy Birthday, buddy
Jon Bratton 2012 © V4C
Jenny Joseph, as a young woman wrote the poem 'Warning' that inspired the Red Hat Society of 50 plus year old women to wear purple and red and have fun
Here she is, many years later
reading her poem
Most of the Old Age stuff is good natured deprecation but there's lots of lovely growing old poems to be found, indeed there are many on this website. As a break to the cheeky Wrinkinsults here's a gentle example
Blessed are they who understand
My faltering step and palsied hand.
Blessed are they who know that my ears today
Must strain to catch the things they say.
Blessed are they who seem to know
That my eyes are dim and my wits are slow.
Blessed are they who looked away
When coffee spilled at table today.
Blessed are they with a cheery smile
Who stopped to chat for a little while.
Blessed are they who never say,
“You’ve told that story twice today.”
Blessed are they who know the ways
To bring back memories of yesterdays.
Blessed are they who make it known
That I’m loved, respected, and not alone.
Blessed are they who know I’m at a loss
To find the strength to carry the Cross.
Blessed are they who ease the days
On my journey home in loving ways.
© V4C
Wrinkinsults
You're at the age when your actions creak louder than your words
© V4C
Are you at an age when standing up now constitutes weightlifting?
© V4C
You're at an age when anything new you feel is most likely to be a symptom
© V4C
There are three signs of old age. Loss of memory. I've forgotten the other two...but I did remember your birthday
Have a good 'un
© V4C
If only you could snap your fingers and never grow older. Too late now. Artheriitis now prevents finger snapping
© V4C
If you had your life to live again would you make the same mistakes...but sooner?
© V4C
You're now old enough to know better and too old to do it.
But do have a wonderful birthday
© V4C
You're now over the hill. Isn't it awful that your brakes have given in?
© V4C
Wrinkinsults
And here's another
To the Looking Glass Poem
© V4C
You've now reached the age
When you shun all lipsticks
And say No to tresor by lancome
And yes to Vapor by Vick's
Jon Bratton 2012
© V4C
Wrinkinsults
I'm sorry, dear
But I can't do this on my own
After 50 years I still don't know
Where you keep your erogenous zone
Happy (71st) Birthday
I'll try to finish this before you reach (72)
Jon Bratton 2012
© V4C
Wrinkinsults
Music in supermarkets
Is shit...down the pan
You were seen shimmying down the cereal aisle
Respect our generation, man
Jon Bratton 2012
© V4C
Wrinkinsults
My teacher says little girls can grow up
To be anything they pick
So why Nan did you choose to be an old lady
With a bent back and a stick?
Jon Bratton 2012
© V4C
Wrinkinsults
The truth is
If I had it all to do over
I still wouldn't study Swahili,
Learn to fly a plane,
Or take 92 lovers,
Some of them simultaneously . . .
The truth is
That I'll always want to be
Pure enough to hate white bread,
Deep enough to admire Patagonian folk art,
Thin enough to go swimming in the nude,
Mature enough to outgrow Erich Fromm,
Nice enough to be nice to my Uncle Bernie,
And secure enough to not need getting married
This is not really an example of wrinkinsults though it is about aging. It is by Judith Viorst who has written a host of books on ageing...see next section. This poem is from her book How Did I Get to Be Forty and Other Atrocities
Old Age Books
Comedy
Odes for Oldies Clive Whichelow
The Wrinklies Bedside Companion Haskins & Whichelow
The Book of Senior Moments Shelley Klein
Old Age & How To Survive It Edward Enfield
Suddenly Senior Tom Hay
Old Git Wit Richard Benson
Crazy Age Jayne Miller
Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom Allison Vale & Allison Rattle
Crazy Sh*t Old People Say Geoff Tibballs
A Treasury of Senior Humor James E. Myers
1000 Unforgettable Senior Moments
Jolly Jokes for Older Folks Bob Phillips
What's So Funny About Getting Old Fischer
How To Survive Your 40th Birthday
Are You Over The Hill? Bill Dodds
Over the Hill and On a Roll Bob Phillips
Grumpy Old Wit Rosemarie Jarski
You know you’re past it when.. Shelley Klein
The Book of Senior Moments Shelley Klein
The Book of Senior Jokes Geoff Tibballs
The Seniors Survival Guide Geoff Tibballs
Wrinklies' Joke Book: The Old Ones Are The Best
Haskins Whichelow
You Know You're Fifty When Richard Smith
What You Don't Know About Turning 50 P D Witte
50 Things To Do When You Turn 50 Edited by Ronnie Sellers
40 A K Leopold
You Know You’re 40 When... Hodgman & Marx
What You Don’t Know About Turning 40 Bill Dodds & Bruce Lansky
How To Survive Your 40th Birthday Bill Dodds
30 Things To Do When You Turn 30 Chris Taylor
60 Things To Do When You Turn 60 Ronnie Sellers
How Did I Get to Be Forty and Other Atrocities Judith Viorst
Forever Fifty and other negotiations Judith Viorst
Suddenly Sixty and other shocks of later life Judith Viorst
I'm Too Young to Be Seventy and other delusions Judith Viorst
Unexpectedly Eighty and other adaptions Judith Viorst
Not So Amusing
Old Age Birthday Poems (1899) A.T. Lowe
The Time Of Your Life John Burningham
From Age-ing to Sage-ing Schachter-Shalomi & Miller
What Are Old People For? William H. Thomas, MD
Aging and Old Age Richard A Posner
And many more serious tomes on Aging (Ageing)
Reviews
Suddenly Sixty by Judith Viorst
Review by Donald Mitchell
Ms. Viorst has become more outspoken in these poems than in her earlier "decade" works. I think you'll like the change.
"It still will be impossible to persuade my husband when lost to stop the goddamn car, and ask for directions.
" Concerning her husband's retirement, "And guess who's the hobby he chose?"
In talking about her children and grandchildren, she exults that her grandchild prefers her for cuddling to her son.
You'll never quite think about life the same way after you read "1963 -- Niagara, 1999 -- Viagra.
"On the other hand, she's hanging in there as a woman. "I've painted blue nail polish on my toes . . . ." "I will still buy bikini underwear." "I don't intend to stop showing a little cleavage." Yet, ". . . it's hard to be frisky over sixty." "L's for libido -- what's happened to sex?"
There are also the inevitable losses. "How am I going to walk in this world without talking to my friend about eyeliner and the meaning of the universe?" She has some very strong feelings about the bad things that should happen to the man who leaves his wife of 42 years for a younger woman. One of the best sequences comes in a series of poems on the subject of "A Brief History of Marriage" that begins with "a life lived -- at least for a while -- in paradise." In "To Be Continued" we learn that ". . . sometimes we still get a glimpse of paradise."My favorite poem on aging was "Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep." The poem is a long list of all the things that can and usually do disturb slumber. If none of these occur, she says, "I might -- I just actually might -- do a little sleeping."There's still a wonderful optimism about how good things could be. In "If Only," she contemplates reconstructing the world. "If only shopping at Saks counted as exercise." The poems are grouped in five sections: Suddenly Sixty, A Brief History of Marriage, More on Marriage, The Children and Grandchildren, and Other Shocks.
The witty poems are wonderfully illustrated with red and black drawings by Laurie Rosenwell.Whatever your age, ask yourself which attributes of youth you would like to retain and which qualities of greater age you would like to add. In this way, you can create a wonderful combination that will serve you better than simply fulfilling the expectations of society about "acting your age." Enjoy your age!
There's heaps more wrinkinsults on this site. Here's a few tasters
Before 30 sex was tri-weekly
Then try weekly, with advancement of age
Now you've reached 60
You're at the try weakly stage
© V4C
Wrinkinsults
Act your shoe size, not your age
But never the other way round
Because shoes, in size (63)
Simply cannot be found
(Not even at Clowns R Us)
Today’s a day for your dancing shoes
To dance away those aging blues
Party Hearty
From my Old Age Birthday page
...But now over the hill, we're kept alive
By bypass, transplant, potion and pill
We're fond of the young kids of today
Just not on our side of the hill
From my
Over the Hill Poems page
You might as well now face the truth.
You're a bit too long in the tooth.
You're decrepit, doddery, and very weak-kneed
Wilting and going to seed.
"Old age is golden", is a proverb you doubt,
Since for bed, your teeth must come out
Removing hearing aid and specs is a bind
Dreaming ain't fun when gummy, deaf, and blind
But never mind that foot in the grave.
Your birthday's no time to behave
Your get-up-and-go should get up today
And 'a gogo' the whole day away
From my Poem on Age page
Oh you’ve still got the body of a god
But here’s a thought to make you shudder
You might think you’re now like Zeus
But you'll soon be more like Buddha?
From my 30th Birthday Poems page
Getting lucky is finding your car
In a crowded parking lot
You have hair in your ears
But on your head, sadly not
Clues that you’re ageing
Come in fits and starts
You regret certain reversals
Like dry dreams and wet farts
Wrinkinsults from my 40th Birthday Poems page
Now that you've turned 50
You're stunning, well-coiffed and smart
On the negative side, there's definite signs
That you're slowly falling apart
From my 50th Birthday (Women) Poems page
You’re at the big (Four)(Five)(Six)(Seven)-0,
It’s no good saying oh no!
Face it, gravity is winning
Dragging down bits from head to toe.
But hey, here’s how to look young
It’s the eternal secret...no joke
Just hang about with 60 year olds
Or better yet, even older folk
Happy Birthday!
From my 50th Birthday Poems page
Don't think of 60 as ten years older than 50.
Think of it as only 1 year older than 59
Go ahead, as it's your birthday
Delusion, today, is just fine
Enjoy
It's a good employ
From my 60th Birthday Poems page
Being awake past 9 pm
Is you staying up late
You're well past your Best Before
And sexpiration date
You tend to say "nowadays"
More often than you should
And it now takes you twice as long
To look half as good
From my 70th Birthday Poems page
If your body seems to be deteriorating
And showing signs immortality's gone
Adopt the wartime spirit
Keep Calm and Carry On
From my 80th-100th Birthday Poems page
You've had a long working life
As everyone knows
You can now do nothing at all
And then have a doze
From my Retirement Poems page
Looking for my wallet and my car keys
Well they can’t have gone too far;
And just as soon as I find my glasses
I’m sure I’ll see just where they are.
From My Blog
* Wrinkinsults *
The Backside Starts To Sag And Droop
The Boobs Not As Firm As Before
The Thighs Expand, The Waist Doth Spread
And You Cant Touch Your Toes Any More
But Take Heart And Look Forward To NHS Specs,
False Teeth And Rickety Bones
The Migraines, Arthritis, Cystitis And Cramp
And Death Of Your Erogenous Zones
By Sue from Saddleworth
Old Age Poems known as Wrinkinsults
My brain cells have left on vacation
My forehead is getting too high
My hair ends up in the basin
And the years just keep flying by
Over the Hill Poems or Wrinkinsults
I’ve noticed a whole lot of wrinkles
Where once none used to be
I’m sure that I’ve gotten much shorter
And my boobs will soon hit my knees
By Kathy Holler
Wrinkinsults
Part of Song by Golf Brooks
With searching eyes I look around
For something I can’t find
And I wonder just what it was
That ever crossed my mind
Senior moments, brain farts
From Age Birthday Poems page
* Wrinkinsults *
They're all interchangeable so if you don't find what you want on one try another...simply change the age
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©
V4C
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