Jon Bratton's

Funny Poems Quotes

by Hairy by z lesiak
(england)

This uses every short word I can think of that rhymes with "itch"


I'll tell you my dark secret
If you promise not to snitch.
I have a hairy a**hole
through some genetic glitch.

I have a hairy a**hole,
It makes my buttocks twitch
and when its hot and sweaty,
It makes my b*ll*cks itch

Yes if you have a hairy a**hole
Life can be a bitch -
Perhaps I’d have it shaved or waxed
if only I was rich.

I must admit its ugly
like a hairy Dunmow flitch
Though looks are less important
Than a flow rate like a ditch.

And its MY hairy a**hole
and works without a hitch
its even great for sweeping floors,
cos I’m just a shortarse titch.

Proud of my hairy a**hole
Across the football pitch
When England's playing at Wembley
I'll run without a stitch.

And so I say to you my friend
Be grateful for what God may send
A baldy bum or hairy end
Is yours to keep and not amend
If I had the choice of which,
I know I wouldn't really switch.

Webmaster: Very good...here's another 'itch' rhyme

My hairy a**hole's handy
At Hogwarts School For Wizard and Witch
With my broomstick firmly wedged up there
Both hands are free to play Quidditch



Funny Poems Quotes

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Funny Church Bulletins

by peter
(uk)

ENJOY - CHURCH BULLETINS?
They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
----------------

The Fasting & Prayer Conference
includes meals.

----------------

The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks
on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'

----------------

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale...
It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.
Bring your husbands.

----------------

Don't let worry kill you - let the Church help..

----------------

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

----------------

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

----------------

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.


--Funny Poems Quotes--

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

----------------

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

----------------

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

----------------

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

----------------

Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

----------------

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

----------------


Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM -
prayer and medication to follow.

----------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

----------------

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

----------------

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.


--Funny Poems Quotes--

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

--------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

----------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

----------------

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

----------------

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge – Up yours.


--Funny Poems Quotes--

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long haired girl

by niamh kenny
(kilkenny ireland)

There once was a girl with long hair
She was happy and hadn't a care
Until one day she sat
On top of a cat
And jumped fifteen feet in the air



Webmaster: This is a very silly limerick

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funny poem

by Makayla
(Columbus, Wi, Columbia )

Webmaster says "I hope this means more to you than it does to me

I'm a Miller, too
but I'm not married to you
I want a just like you
how about you?


Funny Poems Quotes

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friendship is the best

by robert sambou
(Banjul The Gambia)


twenty frogs go to school
down beside a roster pool
not one dot was in the lot
not one lesson they forgot

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Humorous Poem

by Shirley
(Kent, UK)

An Ode to the Road

Last year I decided to drive from S E Kent to my daughter in Scotland, but things didn't go quite as planned. Hence the verse, written on the back of till slips found in the car.

And I must thank you for the verses - I needed something to put in a 4th of July card I made for my American friend.

There once was a lady of sixty four
Looking at her, it could be more
But when the long weekend came round
The car was packed and Scotland bound
At junction eight on motorway twenty
Car trouble started - plenty plenty

But this wise bird had breakdown cover
Quite a clever old grandmovver
And so she called the RAC
"I've broken down, please help me",
This they did and away she went
Not a scratch, not a dent.

M twenty six, M twenty five
It felt so good to be alive
But after just thirty miles
Trouble started, no more smiles
To the shoulder with lights flashing
Other cars past were dashing

Two more hours, another van
Can he fix it - hope he can
Not so easy and off they go
her in front, van in tow
Junction eight far too busy
Junction nine, she needs a wizzy

At 'On the Run' in Leatherhead
Let's try again is what he said
he tried and tried, all his tricks
This car of hers he couldn't fix
A truck would come to take them home
Van man left, they're all alone

It's nine fifteen and still no truck
It seems to be she's out of luck
The truck arrives at ten to ten
They're loaded up and off again
Seventy miles and they are home
And that's the end of the silly poem.


Very nice..thank you, Shirley...Jon

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