Jon Bratton's

Funny Sexy Limericks

but, first...
Welcome
Everyone

I've been writing verses
For 60 years...phew!
And d'yer know why I did it?
T'was especially for you

Jon Bratton

Funny Sexy Limericks

I like blokes, be they Brown, Jones or Smith 
Well my virtue is mostly a myth
Cos try as I can
I just can't find a man
That it's fun to be virtuous with

© V4C 

Be Warned! Some of the sexy limericks in this category could contain language that may be offensive.

Read these sexy limericks at your own risk! but note compared with what is out there THESE ARE, NOT TOO, NAUGHTY LIMERICKS


There was a young girl who begat
Three brats named Nat, Pat, and Tat.
It was fun in the breeding,
But hell in the feeding
When she found she'd no Tit for Tat.

© V4C 

There once was a plumber from Lea
Who was plumbing a girl by the sea
She said "Stop your plumbing
I think someones coming"
Said the plumber, still plumbing "It's me"

© V4C 

A gay chap who lived in Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room
And they argued all night
About who had the right
To do what and with which and to whom

© V4C 

There was a young girl of Aberystwyth
Who took grain to the mill to make grist with
The Miller's son Jack
Laid her on her back
And united the bits that they pissed with

© V4C 

Funny Sexy Limericks

There was a young harlot from Kew
Who filled her 'little earner' with glue.
She said with a grin,
"If they pay to get in,
They'll pay to get out of it, too." 

© V4C 

On the internet they found romance,
That put both in a sexual trance, 
But each had a gripe, 
That it's hard to type, 
With a hand stuck down in your pants. 

© V4C 

Funny Sexy Limericks

With the heat of their passion quite high, 
In the dark she had grabbed the K-Y, 
But her burning desire, 
Quickly set him on fire, 
When she smeared Fiery Jack on the guy. 

© V4C 

There was a Young Man named MacNair
Who made love to his wife on the stair.
The bannister broke...
...Without missing a stroke
He finished her off in mid-air.

© V4C 

The sea captain's tender young bride
Fell into the bay at low tide,
You could tell by her squeals,
That some of the eels
Had discovered a dark place to hide.

© V4C 

Funny Sexy Limericks

There was a young man named Gene
Who had a love-making machine
Concave and convex
It served either sex
And it played with itself in between.

© V4C 

There was a young lady from Nizes
Whose breasts were two different sizes.
One was so small
It was nothing at all,
But the other was huge and won prizes.

© V4C 

Funny Sexy Limericks

There was a young lady named Hilda
Who went driving one night with a builder.
He said that he should
That he could and he would,
And he did and it pretty near killed 'er.

© V4C 

Said a diffident lady named Drood
The first time she saw a man nude,
"I’m glad I’m the sex
That’s concave not convex
For I don’t fancy things that protrude."

© V4C 

Funny Sexy Limericks

There was a young man named Sweeny
Who spilled some gin on his weenie.
He thought this uncouth,
So he added vermouth,
And slipped his girl a martini.

© V4C 




More Funny Sexy Limericks

There once was a fellow from Yuma,
Who told an elephant joke to a puma.
Now his skeleton lies,
Under hot western skies,
The Puma had no sense of huma!

© V4C 

There once was a pirate named Bates
Who attempted to rhumba on skates.
He fell on his cutlass
Which rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates.

© V4C 

Funny Sexy Limericks

There once was an odious brute
Who made love in his Sunday-best suit.
The result, as you'd guess,
Was a suit in a mess,
And a very chaifed maiden to boot.

© V4C 

There was a young lady from Kew
Who said, as the bishop withdrew,
"Oh, the Vicar is quicker
And thicker and slicker
And four inches longer than you."

© V4C 

A comely young widow named Ransom
Was ravished three times in a hansom:
When she cried out for more,
A voice from the floor
Cried: 'Lady, I'm Simpson, not Samson!'

© V4C 

Funny Sexy Limericks

There was a young man from Madras
Who had a magnificent ass.
Not rounded and pink
As you probably think --
It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass!

© V4C 

Bigamy, they say, is a vice,
And more than one spouse is not nice,
But one is a bore,
I'd prefer three or four,
And the plural of spouse is spice?

© V4C 

Funny Sexy Limericks

There once was a lady from Thrace,
Who's corset no longer would lace,
Her mother said "Nellie,
There's more in your belly,
Than ever went in through your face."

© V4C 

A pretty young maiden from France
Decided she'd "just take a chance."
She let herself go
For an hour or so
And now all her sisters are aunts.

© V4C 

There once was a man named Sir Lancelot
Who went to parties and danced a lot
When making a pass
At a young pretty lass
The front of his pants would advance a lot!

© V4C 

There once was a man from Van Isle
Who said jogging just wasn't his style.
"I'll get workouts," he said,
"At home, in my bed,
'Cause a Miss is as good as a mile!"

© V4C 

There was a young lady of Worcester
Who dreamt that a rooster seduced her.
She woke with a scream,
But 'twas only a dream
A lump in the mattress had goosed her.

© V4C 

There was a young fellow named Goody. 
Who claimed that he wouldn't, but would he?
If he found himself nude,
With a gal in the mood,
The question's not would he, but could he?

© V4C 

Breathed a tender young man from Australia
My darling, please let me unveilia,
And then, of, my own,
If you'll kindly lie prone,
I'll endeavor, my sweet, to impalia.

© V4C 

I was cleaning the house in the nude,
The neighbour's girl said I was rude,
For not closing the drapes,
While I scoured and scraped,
It made her quite ill.... so she sued.

© V4C 

The 80-year-old accused of rape was Mort,
The judge did his best, as he ought.
But the jury was sympathetic,
Coz Mort was old and pathetic,
And the evidence wouldn't stand up in court.

© V4C 



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