Jon Bratton's

Humorous Poem..or two

but, first...

I've been writing verses
For 60 years...phew!
And d'yer know why I did it?
T'was especially for you

Jon Bratton

A Humorous Poem
With unbridled hunger I eat like a horse
Usually at lunchtime, in truth
There's no time then for horsing around
I have to eat on the hoof

By a short head, Tescos was my favourite
Furlong enough I thought them sound
Notwithstanding that in their bar codes
Some traces of Zebra were found

My stable diet is burgers and lasagne
Findus are as good as they come
I race for them past the granulated shergar bags
Horse d'oeuvres, l'escago and red rum

"They're Off" All the burgers from the shelves
Tesco have cleared the processed food place
I heard it on the Mane News
But hay! Why have a long face?

My Lidl's pony and Aldi's uni quorn
Are a good energy source
I'm no longer saddled with Tescos
With a lidl swerve, I've aldi'd course

So food producers, get your act together
You'd better start keeping it real
For goodness sake whatever next
You'll be expecting us Brits to eat veal!

Jon Bratton 2013

humorous poem

This next long humorous poem tells the story of a trick played on a co worker which started out as an innocent joke but became quite elaborate due to the unpleasant attitude of the "victim" which spurred the tricksters on to more and more consequences.

A co worker, let's call him Bill, came to work for a public body in Amphroia and was allocated a house on camp. He wanted to paint the house and ordered paint from Logistics, which he mistakenly throughout his whole time called Longistics. He got the paint but never applied it. He was going on leave and I offered to try to get some of the painting crew to do the work for a modest sum. As it happens I didn't manage it and just before he was due to return I got John, his next door neighbor, to remove the paint as I wanted to kid him that the work had been done. I created a bogus receipt from "the painting crew" for 250 crowns which I presented to him at work on his first morning back. That lunch time he inspected his house and rightly concluded it was exactly the same as it was before he went on leave. I told him I hadn't managed to get anyone to do the work and that it was just a little joke. I was about to tell him that the paint was with his next door neighbor John when he sneered at me and called me a mug for being conned by the workmen out of 250. He said it was my fault and there was no way he would reimburse me. I repeated it was a joke, that there were no workmen but he was more sneering and said I was just trying to cover up my stupidity. I decided not to tell him that we still had the paint and John and Niall decided to continue the ruse, starting with a bogus advert for the sale of the paint. They provided him with various phone numbers of places where he could make enquires but these were numbers in adjacent offices which one of them would answer. They were very good at accents and,in my view, could earn a living as con men. My poem, read by myself, assisted by Chris, at John and Niall's leaving party, tells the whole tale and Bill left never knowing he had been the victim of a trick which stretched over several months (Bill's services were dispensed with because he was not up to the job...I'm being very polite) He left for home, via Rome, as he believed an Italian girl he had admired from afar had actually invited him to visit her. I told you they were good at accents!

Humorous Poem

It’s a story featuring Niall and John
So it’s appropriate tonight
To record for history, that strange mystery of the
Paint, 10 gallon, off white
It all started when Bill wanted
His house a Victorian hew
So when he went on holiday
We knew what we must do

 More from this Humorous Poem

We appointed a cracking team of Flips
To paint the entire suite
The cost was 250
And of course we got a receipt

But when Bill returned, he wouldn’t pay
He held his wallet tight
Did not his walls now sport a coat of
Paint, 10 gallon, off white

Not so, said Bill (spotting the old gravy stain)
Now this was very weird
Cos though his walls were just the same
The paint had disappeared

For sometime Bill was puzzled
Then something rang a bell
It would seem those Flips took our dough
And took the paint as well

Then those thieving baarrstards
Took a second bite
"They" advertised for sale - Guess what?
Paint, 10 gallon, off white

Bill went to ring the number
He knew just what to say
But he found the last two digits
Were mysteriously torn away

So Bill tried every combination
It was something of a test
But his efforts were unrewarded
Not a soul confessed

Then, .. strangely, one evening
Bill was greeted by a sight
For waiting on his doorstep was...
Paint, 10 gallon, off white

It carried a computer print out
It was drawn officially from the stores
So Bill could now paint his house
His ceiling, walls and floors

But not content, Bill rang Longistics
And spoke to someone foreign
It was a Flip... (Bill knew the accent)
The voice said..”Aye, Hamish McSporron

Now Hamish was a helpful chap
“Och, aa’ll see what a can dee”
And he discovered the paint was ordered
From a terminal at P.D

Undaunted, Bill phoned up P.D
(This had turned into a war)
He spoke to someone Scottish (Bill thought)
By the name of Vic Decor

But Vic denied all knowledge
And that’s when Bill gave up the fight
It would seem he’d never find the source of ...
Paint, 10 gallon, off white

Now the sequel to this story
Was a note Bill received one day
Advising that the cost of the paint
Would be deducted from his pay

Well by now Bill didn’t want the stuff
But try as he might
Logistics denied all knowledge of ..
The Paint, 10 gallon, off white

Bill never solved the mystery
It was a mind defeater
By now his thoughts had turned elsewhere
Some ITI Senorita

And what became of the paint, you say
Well look around tonight..
Chris tell them all what’s on your fence ...
Paint....10 gallon .... off white

So who was Hamish? who was Vic
Who hid the paint at home
Who was Maria Magdelana
Who invited Bill to Rome

Who rang up from Gibralter?
To try to make some sales
Posing as one Roch de Spain
With gold mines down in Wales

Most of you know very well
To you it’s nothing new
But for those of you still confused
Here’s a clue or two

One arrived five years ago
The other came much later
But each has spent their office time
As a Bill impersonator

Jon Bratton 1988

To see the humorous poem speech of which this was a part

or here's a humorous poem bloke I like

humorous poem page end

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