FUNNY SEXY QUOTES FOR CARDS

"Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer."

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.

Every cloud has a silver lining (except for the mushroom shaped ones, which have a lining of Iridium & Strontium 90)

The difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know, and I couldn't care less.

Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.

I'd call?you a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be?like flogging a dead horse.

"God is as real as I am." he assured me, and my faith was restored, for I knew Santa would never lie.

People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to?pick on?rich women than motorcycle gangs.

If you can keep your head while those about you are losing theirs, have you considered becoming a guillotine operator?"

Never judge a man till you have walked a mile in his shoes, coz by then, he's a mile away, you've got his shoes, and you can say whatever the hell you want to.

"Every so often, I try to masturbate a large word into conversation, even if I'm not really sure what it means."

"The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette."

"The pen is mightier than the sword."
-Mark Twain
The penis mightier than the sword
-Much better punctuation Mark

We the willing, led by the unknowing, are doing the impossible for the ungrateful. We have done so much for so long that we are now qualified to do anything with nothing.

The glass is neither half empty nor half full. It is twice as large as it needs to be.

"The angle of the dangle is equally proportional to the heat of the meat provided that the urge to surge remains constant."

If God had wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets. - Mel Brooks

"When you're arguing with an idiot make sure the other person isn't doing the same thing!"

Get your mind out of the gutter - it's blocking my view.

Booze is the answer. I don't remember the question.

If you're one in a million, there are six thousand people exactly like you.

The difference between a lawyer and a rooster is that the rooster gets up in the morning and clucks defiance.

Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?

Princess, having sufficient experience with Princes, seeks frog.

32 years old is significant, because at 32 you can sleep with someone half your age and not go to jail.

The chances of meeting someone with Barbie's human-scale measurements (36-18-33) is 1 in 100,000. The chances of meeting someone with Ken's is 1 in 50.

Jesus paid for our sins - now let's get our money's worth.

When people say "Oh you just want? your cake and eat it too". Well, what good is a bloody cake you can't eat? What should I eat, someone else's cake instead?

Exhilaration is that feeling you get just after a great idea hits you, and just before you realize what is wrong with it.

Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it is time to get up.

I find that a great part of the information I have was acquired by?googling something and finding something else on the way...indeed this website is the result

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

"The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting."
-Gloria Leonard

"He who asks is a fool for 5 minutes, but he who does not remains a fool forever."
-Chinese Proverb

"Sex is like a bridge game; if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand."

"Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps."
-Emo Phillips

"Chastity is curable, if detected early."

"If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast."
"I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic."
"My brain is my second favorite organ.

-Woody Allen

"No sex is better than bad sex."
-Germaine Greer

"My husband's German. Every night I get dressed up as Poland and he invades me."
-Bette Midler

"Give a man free hands, and you'll know where to find them."
-Mae West

"Graze on my lips; and if those hills be dry, stray lower, where the pleasant fountains lie."
-William Shakespeare

"It's the good girls that keep the diaries; the bad girls never have the time."
-Tallulah Bankhead

"Give me chastity and continence- but not yet."
-Saint Augustine

"I'd like to meet the person who invented sex and see what they're working on now."
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
-Groucho Marx

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation... The other eight are unimportant."
-Henry Miller

"If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it?"
-Bette Midler

"If God had intended us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter."
-George Carlin

"Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin- it's the triumphant twang of a bedspring."
-S. J. Perelman

"From the moment I was six I felt sexy. And let me tell you it was hell, sheer hell, waiting to do something about it."
-Bette Davis

"Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got."
-Sophia Loren

"Apparently one can temporarily sterilize oneself by heating one's organs in boiling water."
-Annonymous British Teenager

"Some things are better than sex, some things are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it."
-W. C. Fields

"No one has ever died from an overdose of pornography."
-J. Money and P. Tucker

"It'll be a sad day for sexual liberation when the pornography addict has to settle for the real thing."
-Brendan Francis

"A man must be potent and orgasmic to ensure the future of the race. A woman only needs to be available."
-Masters and Johnson

"I have brains and a uterus, and I use both."
-Pat Schroeder

"It is better to be unfaithful than to be faithful without wanting to be."
-Brigitte Bardot

"An erection at will is the moral equivalent of a valid credit card."
-Alex comfort

"I consider sex a misdemeanor, the more I miss, de meaner I get."
"Sex is emotion in motion."
-Mae West

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it. - Bob Hope

The difference between man and animals is that we don't use our tongue to clean our genitals. - Rimmer - Red Dwarf

What do you call 500 lawyers lying on the bottom of the Ocean? A good start... - Danny DeVito (The War of the Roses)

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ``Get the hell off my property.'' -Joan Rivers

Pol Pot - he rounded up anybody he thought was intellectual and had them executed. And how he told someone was intellectual or not was whether they wore glasses. If they're that clever, take them off when they see him coming! - Ricky Gervais

I think that God in creating Man somewhat overestimated his ability. -Oscar Wilde

So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel? - Billy Connolly