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Welcome to?the best short?free online printable funny dirty sexy erotic verses and poems?sponsored by
Imag-e-nation The Home of Card Making???
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Be Warned! Some of the sexy poems in this category could contain language that may be offensive.
Read these sexy poems at your own risk!
For Funny Dirty Sexy Erotic Quotes CLICK HERE
For Funny Dirty Sexy Limericks CLICK HERE
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I'd like to scuttle your?puttle
Spiddle your paddle
Tickle?your wickle
And twittle your taddle
Stroodle your doodle
Cromple your string
Brundle your strundle
And frondle your ding
See, I told you
I'm completely nuts about you
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Happy Bonking Day, ( Paul )
Already I've given a clue
Here's another.....wear your birthday suit
Guess what present I've got for you
Enjoy, Birthday Boy
? Jon Bratton 2004
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Enjoy your birthday, Darling
Indeed, I'll see that you do
This comes with love (and a promise)
From your wife...and best friend too
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This is the Happy Daddy's Day card
( Lewis ) and ( Jenny ) asked me to send
And I'm to give you something special
But was given no money to spend
What can I give you that's special
That doesn't cost a sou?
Oh well, as it's your special day
I'll leave it up to you
Whatsoever you decide
I can deal with, no fearing
Providing it doesn't involve wet fish
Or? bedroom chandeliering
? J Bratton 2004
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?Auld Langs Syne is Cockney Rhyming Slang
For? soixante-neuf, 69
We're auld acqaintances, so howsabout
A bit of Auld? Langs Syne?
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Goldilocks, it's known, had lots of guys
And Pinnochio's one, I? do surmise
She'd sit on his face
Stick his nose in that place
Then?make the?poor puppet tell lies!
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I made this card just for you
At least the outside's clean
I'll put kisses on the bottom
And elsewhere...(if you see what?I mean? )
? Jon Bratton 2004
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At six feet three and sixteen stone
You're enormous, some would think
But I love all your big bits
Some more than others .....wink...wink..!
? Jon Bratton 2004
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You've got?arthritis in both?your knees
And when?you talk,?you?tend?to wheeze.?
Your pulse is weak,?your blood is thin
Your memory's failing,?your head's in a spin
How do you know?your youth is spent?
Cos your?"get up and go"?has got up and?went
But never mind,?you'll be like a young pup?
As you recall all?the places your?get up's got up
Arise?each morning and dust off your wits
Pick up the paper and read the obits.
If?your name's not there,?you know?you're not dead
Just?fix some breakfast and go back to bed.
Jon Bratton ? 2007 adapted from other work by unknown author
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Remember when you couldn't make
Your trouser snake behave
When?every single morning
It would stand and watch?you shave.
And now?you're old and feeble
And?your pilot light is out,
What used to be?your sex appeal
Is now?your water spout.
I knew this would cheer you up on your birthday
Jon Bratton ? 2007 adapted from other work by unknown author
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One day, two women
Walked into a loo
I'd have thought one of them would have seen it
Wouldn't you?
Jon Bratton ? 2007
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He laid her on the table
So white and?clean and bare.
His forehead wet with beads of sweat
He rubbed her, here and there.
He touched her neck and then her breast
And?her legs, low at first, then high
He was drooling?now, "I love this bird"
He thought, as he felt her thigh.
He reached his quest it was wide and wet?
Sort of?dark and murky.
He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms
And then he stuffed the turkey!
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Food of Love
Take a plump stalk of fairplay
Add a head of love when hot
Put in a knob of friendship
And another knob...why not?
Sprinkle in some patience
Add generous love to taste
Stir in some affection
Spoon on tolerance, and baste
If there's anger, let it simmer down
Leave out temper,let it be
Now that my lovely naked chef
Is the perfect recipe
Lets put a bun in the oven
Cast off your oven glove
My taste buds are a-tingling
I drool for you, my love
You know how to?knead my dumplings
And my buns ,and all ?the rest
Your meat and two veg are to die for
Your spotted dick's the best
Happy Anniversary, Chef
We must have got things right
With you around to cook my goose
I've got a healthy appetite
( And I'm quite fond of food as well )
? Jon Bratton? 2004
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Why a cat is better than a man
A cat needn't be right all of the time
Or leave up the toilet seat
Or hog the TV remote control
Or complain if you turn up the heat
Or complain about your mother
Or grill you 'bout other cats you've known
Or feel the need to finish your sentences
Or complain if you use the phone
Or?say you look better when wearing?high heels
Or make jokes at your expense
Or proudly sport a beer belly
Yet still flirt o'er the garden fence
Or complain if its dinner comes out of a can
Or act like a baby when sick
Or need a rottweiler to make it feel macho
Or have its brain controlled by its dick
?Jon Bratton? 2004
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Let's sin
On a tiger skin
Or, if you prefer
We could err
On a different fur
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The gift for you, I?pondered thus
Was a?ginormous hippopotamus
So you and I could ride
Astride
His hippo hide
While sitting on our bottomus
And, perhaps,
Since you've got him, I
Should get one too....
Two ...hippopotami
Or we could just do it..
.. like normal peopleli
Adapted by Jon Bratton?? 2004??from somewhere
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Last night I held a lovely hand,
A hand so small and neat,
I thought my heart would burst with joy,
So wildly did it beat.
No other hand unto my heart
Could greater pleasure bring
Than the dear one I held last night--
Four aces and a king.?
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The Frog and the Princess
Once upon a time, in a land far away,
While resting from her morning jog
A beautiful, self-assured princess
Happened upon a frog
She was contemplating ecological issues
On the shores of an unpolluted pond
In a verdant meadow near her castle.
Of which she was very fond
The frog hopped into?her lap
"Elegant Lady, I'm a handsome prince,
An evil witch cast a spell on me.
I've been amphibious ever since..
?
One kiss from you, however,?
And I'll be?like the new James Bond, but blonder?
And then, my sweet, we can marry
And?live in your castle yonder..
...With my mother,
Where you can prepare?our meals and such
Clean?our clothes, bear my children,
And be grateful ever so much".
That night the princess?dined on?lightly saut?ed frogs legs?
On the table, were?the remains of?her?Beau
And?chuckling to herself?she said:
"I don't flippng think so".
? Jon Bratton 2007
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Three Wishes, Granny
An old lady is rocking?on her porch?
Chewing baccy and?drinking beers
While reflecting on her life,
A?fairy godmother appears?
And says she can have?three wishes.
Says the old lady," if I may be?so bold
I'd like to be really stinking rich."?
***POOF****
Her chair turns to?solid gold.
She says,?I'd? like to be?young again
And?pretty ,with poise, finesse
? ***POOF***
In less than it takes to blink an eye
She's a beautiful princess
?
While considering her third wish
?The old woman's cat wanders?in
?Ooh...can you change him into a prince?"?
All handsome tall and thin
***POOF***
There before her stands an Adonis
Where once was her kitten?
More handsome than she could have imagined.
She stares, all coy and... smitten
?
With a smile that makes her knees weak.
And with breath, decidedly baited
He whispers? "Now I bet you're?regretting?
You had me?neutered... snipped...castrated!!
? Jon Bratton 2007
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Out of the mouths of babes...
Mother?returned from 2 days away?
Her little boy greeted her by saying,
"Mummy, guess what! Yesterday!
I was in your wardrobe, playing
Daddy came in with the lady next door?
And their clothes started to drop
And they lay?undressed on the bed?
And then daddy?climbed on top ..."
Mother held up her hand.
"Not another word. That story's bad
?Exactly what you've just told me."
I want you to tell to Dad
As?Dad walked into the house,
His wife said, "I'm off. I'm packed already, see? "
"But why--" asked the startled father.
" Sonny. Tell?him what you told me."
"Well," Sonny said, "I was playing in your?wardrobe
And daddy came in with the lady next door
And they got undressed
And all their clothes were on the floor
And they got?up on the?bed
And then they did that thing
That?you did with Uncle John
When daddy was away, last Spring."
? Jon Bratton 2007
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A blonde calls her boyfriend and says,
"I have?the hardest?jigsaw you'll? see
I just can't get it started,
Please come and?help me".
Her boyfriend sighs and says
"What's it supposed to be ?"
"Well, according to the box picture,
?It's a tiger" says she
She lets him in, and shows him the puzzle?
He studies the pieces, then says "I fear
?We'll never?make?a tiger
From all these pieces, dear.?
?So why don't?you put your feet up?
Take off your shoes and maybe your socks
?And relax, while I put all
The Frosties?back in?the box"
? Jon Bratton 2007
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Mega bites?was what my girlfriend did
And gig was a show at night
A ram was?a randy man?or goat,?
Windows just let in the light
An application was for employment
A programme was a TV show
A curser used profanity?
And a keyboard,? a pian...o
Memory was something you lost with age
A disc?was?rock or blues?
And if you had a 3 inch floppy
You'd be peeing on your shoes.
Log on was?fuel on the fire
Hard drive was to Inverness?
A mouse pad was where a?rodent lived
And a back up, an awful mess.
Cut you did with a pocket knife.
Paste you did with glue
A web was where a spider lived?
And a virus was the flu
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This useful tool,
commonly found in the range of eight inches long
, the functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes
is usually hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action.
It boasts a clump of little hairy things at one end
and a small hole at the other.
When used it is inserted,
almost always willingly,
somtimes slowly, sometimes quickly,
into a warm, fleshy, moist opening
where it is thrust in and drawn out again
many times in succession,
often quickly, and accompanied
by squirming bodily movements.
Anyone found listening in
will most surely recognise the rhythmic pulsing sound,
resulting from the well lubricated movements.
When finally drawn out,
it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white substance,
some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening,
and some from its long glistening shaft.
After everything is done,
it is returned to its freely hanging state
ready for yet another bit of action,
hopefully reaching its bristling climax
twice or three times a day,
but often much less.
It depends how often you clean your teeth
With your toothbrush
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For more funny verses and jokes in the iSpace Craft Community
CLICK HERE
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A hard man is good to find.
Mae West
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Mental anxiety,
Mental breakdowns,
Menstrual cramps,
Mentalpause..
Did you ever notice how ..
..all women's problems begin with
MEN!!!
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The sky was dark
the moon was high
all alone
just her and I
Her hair so soft
her eyes so blue
I knew just what
she wanted to do
Her skin so soft
her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
down her spine
I didn't know how
but I tried my best
to place my hand
on her breast
I remember my fear
my fast beating heart
but slowly she spread
her legs apart
And when she did
I felt no shame
as all at once t
he white stuff came
At last it was finished
it's all over now,
my first time
...milking a cow.
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She whispered "will it hurt me?"
"Of course not" answered he
"It's a very simple process,
You can rely on me."
She said "I'm very frightened,
I've not had this before.
My friend has had it five times
And said it can be sore."
It was growing rather painful
Tears formed in her eyes
It was hurting quite a bit now
It must have been a size.
"Calm yourself" he whispered
"His face filled with a grin
"Try and open wider
So I can get it in."
"It's coming now" he whispered
"I know" she cried in bliss
Feeling it deep within her now
She said "I am glad I'm having this."
And with a final effort
She gave a frightened shout
He gripped it in anguish
And quickly pulled it out.
She lay back quite contended
Sighed and gave a smile
She said "I'm glad I came now
You made it worth my while."
Now if you read this carefully
The dentist you will find
Is not what you imagined
It's just your dirty mind!!
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Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination -Timbuktu.
Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They were three, we were two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu
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For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts.
Don't over-squeeze or bruise them,
And give them monthly tests.
The time came, when I needed more
A mamagram was needed
Speaking of which, in the machine
My boobs were very kneaded
"Take a deep breath" I was told,
"Excuse me, you surely jest?!?
I'm getting very woozy
And the machine has mashed me chest
This machine was created by a man,
Of this, I have no doubt.
I'd like to stick his?pair?down there, in?there,
And see how?they come out.
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Women Lib!
When?men are born,?the mothers get the compliments and the flowers.
When?men are married,?the brides get the presents and the publicity.
When?men die,?the widows get the life insurance.
What do women want to get liberated from?
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The rain, it raineth on the Just
And on the Unjust fella.
But chiefly on the Just because
The Unjust steals the Just's umbrella.
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When?you were?in?your younger days,
And you were your svelte self,?
Your belt was round your waist?
Now it sits below your shelf.?
Now that?you're more mature,?
Why not?set your?body free;?
Seek the comfort?of elastic
Where once?your waist would be.?
You now need to wear?glasses
As the prints are getting smaller;
And it wasn't very long ago
I know that you were taller.
But though?your hair has turned to grey
And?your skin no longer fits,
On the inside,?you're the same old you,
And I love you still,?to bits.
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When?you were?in?your younger days,
You weighed a few pounds less,?
You needn't hold?your tummy in
To wear a belted dress.
But now that?you are?older,?
You can set your?body free;
There's the comfort of elastic
Where once?your waist would be.
And how about those?tights you wear?
They're sized by weight,?I see,
So?that explains why the crotch?
Is down below?the knee?
You now need to wear? glasses
As the prints are getting smaller;
And it wasn't very long ago
I know that you were taller.
Though?your hair has turned to grey
And?your skin no longer fits,
On the inside,?you're the same old you,
And I love you still?to bits.
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1000 sticks of dynamite sitting on a wall
1000 sticks of dynamite sitting on a wall
And if one stick of dynamite should accidentally fall...
There'll be no sticks of dynamite and no?effing wall
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SEX IS LIKE MATHS
You SUBTRACT the clothes
ADD the bed
DIVIDE the legs
Then ?MULTIPLY!!!!
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Here's a sampling of Tiddy Ogg, a very funny blind person. You must visit his site at once..indeed you may borrow my car to do so
In the shade of the old granny smith,
The girl with a lisp I was with
Became most romantic,
Her antics grew frantic...
"For heaven'th thake give me a kith."
In the shade of the golden delicious,
I felt she was getting lubricious.
We slowly disrobed,
And places I probed...
But telling you more's ...injudicious.
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As I write out this card
I've gone?into a dream,
Thinking of you smothered
All over,?in?whipped cream.
I get this thought every night
And wonder when it'll stop.
And?I'm always?wondering what it'll be like
With a cherry on the top!
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Nothing could be finer, than to be in Carolina, in the morning.
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The grand old Duke of York
He had ten thousand men,
And when he had the energy
?He had them all again
Mary had a little skirt
with splits right up the sides
and everywhere that Mary went
the boys could see her thighs.
Mary had another skirt
'twas split right up the front
...But she didn't wear that one often
Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her
Between two chunks of bread.
Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
Her clothes all tattered and torn.
It wasn't the spider that crept up beside her
T'was Little Boy Blue with a horn.
Simple Simon met a pieman going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pieman
"What have you got there?"
Said the pieman unto Simon
Pies, you dickhead!.
Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its bum
And?now its wool?is nylon
Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play
He kissed them too cos he was funny that way.
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Jill, the dill,
Forgot her pill,
And now they have a son.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
For just an itty bitty.
Jill?s now two months overdue,
And Jack has left the city
Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard
To fetch her poor dog a bone.
When she bent over
Rover took over
And gave her a bone of his own
Spider, spider on the wall.
Ain't you got no sense at all?
Can't you see the walls been plastered?
Now you're stuck you silly bastard
Hey Diddle, Diddle,
The cat did a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun
Then died of electric shock.
There was a little girl,
Who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead...
And when she was good,
She was very very good,
But when she was bad
She got a fur coat, jewels, a?
mansion and a sports car.
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